Spells of Insanity
by NarutosBrat
Summary: Looks like Naruto isn't the only series that my alcoholic, pothead muse dribbles about.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: No, I'm not dead, but after reading this, you'll probably wish I was. MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHA...cough...cough...ahem, sorry about that!**

 **AN:** Honestly disgusted with how this translated from mind to paper, so if you feel you can do it better, thank god, and please do.

 **8888888888888888**

"Harry, did you enter your name into the Goblet of Fire, or ask someone to?" Adopting a Snape like sneer, Harry replied.

"It would appear the tales of your greatness have been exaggerated. Clearly, fame isn't everything." Dumbledore recoiled as if he'd been slapped. While Snape wanted to be disgusted at the brat for taking his line, the timing, delivery, and reactions to the statement forced the dour man keep his amusement hidden behind a mask of hatred.

"Mr. Potter!" McGonagall snapped.

"So Snape's allowed to say that to me in the very first class I ever had with him, after insulting me without provocation, but everyone gets mad when I do it. Typical." Harry asked, tauntingly. "Moving on, no, I did not have anything to do with being entered, and the fact that the people charged with teaching children can't see that this is an obvious murder plot bodes very poorly for the future of the magical world."

"Oh, is that so, Potter?" Snape spat. "Are you sure this isn't you trying to get more fame?"

As he still didn't understand why Dumbledore brought him to every meeting as the man never contributed anything intelligent to discussions, Harry ignored the git. "Surely the fact that an underage boy was entered into a contest historically known far more for its death toll than its winners, as a fourth contestant no less, is more than suspicious."

"Well, when you put it like that." Cedric admitted aloud.

"Oh, and just who do you think is trying to kill you, Potter?" Several pairs of eyes turned to Snape, all of them questioning his intelligence with their stare.

"If you must know, I've got several suspects already." Harry said. "Only three serious ones, but plenty of legitimate, if silly, ones."

"Silly?" Cedric couldn't help asking.

"Well, the Diviniation teacher has been predicting my death since my first class with her, and being so wrong is probably calling her credibility into question. As for my serious three, the first is Karkaroff." He made to protest, but Harry cut him off. "The simple fact that you were a Death Eater means that I will never trust you, and it also makes you a suspect given my involvement in your former master's demise- as insignificant as just being the target was. The same goes for suspect number two, Snape."

"Why you-"

"From the first day I came into your classroom, you've made it no secret that you've hated me based on nothing but the circumstances of my birth, and because I looked too much like someone you hated, and are still holding a grudge against despite him being dead now for over a decade. The fact that you've gone out of your way to torment me, and help the members of your house do so, it doesn't exactly look good for you."

"No, it doesn't." McGonagall hissed, glaring at Snape.

"My last suspect, and no offense to you sir, is Moody." Harry waited until the protests died down. "Every year that I've been a student here, the Defense professor has tried to kill me, so my suspecting Moody is justified."

"Explain." Came the gruff order from the scarred man.

"First year, Professor Quirrell tried to kill me when I was trying to stop him from getting the Philosopher's stone hidden here to resurrect Voldemort."

"Why were you trying to stop heem?" Maxime asked.

"Because McGonagall didn't believe me when I told her someone was trying to steal it." Harry said. "I'll admit, I was wrong at the time about Snape being the culprit, but his behavior towards me would have made him as big a suspect as Voldemort; and he actually tried to kill me."

"And the others?"

"Well, during that whole Chamber of Secrets thing, my friend's sister got kidnapped, so we went to that fraud Lockhart for help. When we got down there, he threatened to Obliviate Ron and I, and leave us and Ginny to die, then turn our fates into his next best seller. Last year, while not intentional, Professor Lupin almost killed Hermione and me when he transformed. Granted, he was trying to protect us from Sirius- who we thought was a mass murderer at the time- it still happened. Though, it does make me wonder, given how Snape knew where to find us as well, and his purpose for being in Professor Lupin's office in the first place, why didn't he bring the goblet of Wolfsbane with him?

This year, I get entered into a tournament that has had a 65 percent overall death rate- and the other 35 were usually the winners/sole survivors- for competitors since it's first attempt, so-"

"-so the lad is right to suspect two Death Eaters, and the teaching position that has a history of attempts on his life." Moody said, nodding in approval.

"So I take it that I'll be removed from the competition." What followed was a bunch of bull that Harry interpreted as him being forced to compete. "If I'm being forced to compete, then I expect an investigation to be made into how I was entered."

"Yes, Harry, it will be looked into."

"Well, based on my past experiences with authority figures in the magical world investigating things, you'll have to forgive me for not having hope anything will get done."

"How can you say that?"

"Because it took a second year Hermione just over six months to figure out the monster and how it was getting around." Harry replied. "And once we had her information, it took Ron and I less than a day to figure out the rest. Less than seven months, from the very first attack, for three second years to figure out and deal with the Chamber of Secrets threat. That being said, you have until the week before the third task to figure this out. At that point, I'll start arranging fatal accidents for those on my suspect list."

"You realize you just copped to murder, Potter." Snape taunted.

"Not that it matters, but it's actually me protecting myself."

"'ow does eet not matter?"

"Thanks to certain pureblood laws that you'll never succeed in getting revoked, I've got immunity." Harry said. "After all, House and Line extermination are punished very seriously unless the result of self-defense. My being the BWL and the very last member of the Pureblood Potter family means I could openly kill anyone I can prove is a legitimate threat to my life, and anyone bearing a Dark Mark is certainly that."


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: From this point on, I will not apologize, nor take responsibility for any mental scarring you may receive for reading anything that I post. There have been plenty of signs and warnings in my previous works, so if you haven't gotten the hint by now, and know what to expect, it's your own fault.**

 **8888888888888888**

"Harry, I need to talk to you...privately." She added, turning to Ron.

"How come I have to go?" Ron asked, his fear of just what Harry and Hermione's relationship was, rearing its head.

"Because I need Harry to give me an honest and objective opinion, and he can't do that with you or your mum hanging over his shoulder." After a couple minutes of protesting, and what looked to be another row, Harry asked Ron to give them a minute.

"Ron, there are things that you've discussed with me that you didn't want Hermione to know, so unless you'd like to start discussing them, please show Hermione the same courtesy." When Ron had sulked off, Harry asked. "So, what's this issue you wish to discuss that you feel the need to keep secret from Ron?"

"Don't give me that." Hermione huffed. "The reason why I needed Ron gone, is because part of it is about him."

Her very sharp blush caused Harry to raise his brow. "Okay, what's going on?"

"Well, I had a very interesting dream last night-"

"Hermione, you may be my very attractive best friend, but I really don't want to know about your naughty dreams," Harry deadpanned. "-especially any naughty dreams that feature Ron. As a matter of fact, I don't think I want to hear about anything that might result in you popping up in _my_ more interesting dreams. That's not any sort of awkwardness that I want to be dealing with."

"It wasn't like that." Hermione protested. "It was just a really confusing dream, and I was hoping that you could help me decipher it."

"You do remember that I'm pants at Divination, and that I made up most of my homework, right?"

"I'm aware, Harry, but I'm also aware that you can be particularly observant and perceptive when you want to be, and you know me as well as anyone can." She replied.

"Well, it started out with us having finished building a pirate ship that we named the Companion (1). It took us six years to build, but we'd finally finished. We both decided that you would be the captain, and I would be your first mate."

"So that means you decided, right?" Harry teased. Hermione lightly smacked his shoulder, but her smile told him that he was right."

"So, we hired a crew, and I'm sure you can figure out who they were."

"Weasleys, Tonks, and Remus, right; and I bet Mrs. Weasley was the cook?"

"Yes, well, most of the Weasleys, Ron was brought on as the cabin boy. Neville and Luna were part of the crew, and a massive 7' bulk of muscle who was the kindest person you ever met unless you threatened our family."

"Hagrid?" Hermione grinned.

"Yep, and also, I'm not sure how, but Ginny wasn't part of the Weasley package." Harry raised a curious brow. "She was a girl who had snuck aboard after you'd rescued her from a creepy man trying to sacrifice her to the snake god of some cult."

"Yeah, and that doesn't sound familiar at all." Harry deadpanned, causing Hermione to grin.

"I thought so too." She then turned an exasperated smirk on her best friend. "She was found quickly by Arthur, and declared herself with the specific intention of being your wench; one of the variety where she spends most of her time in your quarters without clothes on working up a sweat, and sporting a silly grin and limp the next morning."

"I'm liking this dream so far." Harry quipped cheekily as he watched the dictaquill write."

"Yes, well, there was something of a timeskip, during which we became a very well known vessel, and had a reputation for, well..."

"Let me guess, even though were were pirates, my saving people thing struck."

"Yes, but it made us well liked, famous, and very well off. Being well off kept our crew happy and well taken care of, so they were the most loyal and devoted crew you could ask for."

"You know, as much as I liked the Ginny part, this is starting to sound like a badly written fanfiction." Harry teased.

"Oh, it gets more interesting." Hermione assured him. "A few days out to sea after a supply stop, we encountered another ship, and were attacked by it."

"Really, just attacked?"

"Well, there was a reason for it, but we wouldn't figure that out until after we'd defeated and taken control of the ship."

"Oh, okay."

"Well, the reason was that a family of nobles, and their nanny had been captured by pirates, and the family was being held prisoner, and the father was forced to work on the ship, while the mother and daughters were going to end up the playthings of their captors. They were lucky that the captain wanted to personally break them all in himself. The youngest daughter was being used as a servant for the crew, and when she saw our rather famous ship, fired one of their cannons at us to get our attention."

"Why do I get the feeling there are more familiar faces coming?" Harry sighed.

"Well, let's just say the nanny was a very large woman who instantly hit it off with our big guy, the eldest daughter had a case of love at first sight with one of our redhead crewmen, and thanks to your reputation, the youngest daughter decided that since you rescued her and her family, she was going to become yours as a thank you."

"So the noble family was the Delacours, the big lady was Madam Maxime, the eldest daughter was Fleur, and the youngest was Gabrielle. Joy."

"Well, if it helps, she looked to be much older than she currently is. It was actually rather hostile on the ship after they joined us, because Ginny and Gabrielle were of opposing views on who got to be your personal wench/plaything. It was eventually Luna who suggested they share, as a captain of your stature couldn't possibly be satisfied by just a single bed warmer. While I'm sure she'd just said it to stop the fighting, oddly enough, it turned out to be true."

Deciding to change the subject, as the thought of Ginny and Gabrielle disputing over who was going to be the mother of his children was a little too surreal for him, Harry said. "Um, as interesting as all of this is, Hermione what did you need my help deciphering?"

"Just hear me out, then we'll go back over everything."

"Fine." Harry said, inwardly thinking that he was going to have to figure out how to say no to her when it involved trivial things that it wouldn't really bother him to go along with.

"Now, it was farely obvious to everyone on the ship that the cabin boy fancied me, but what wasn't so well known- well, except to the captain, of course- was that I had a bit of fancy for the cabin boy as well. Well, one day, our ship was chartered by a famous fencing champion to host him as he participated in a tournament. I admit, the young man and I were instantly smitten with each other."

"Let me guess, Viktor?" Hermione blushed.

"Yes, and as you probably already know, the cabin boy became very jealous of this. Anyway, when we finally returned to his home, he extended me an invitation to join him in his manor as his betrothed. I was very conflicted about what to do; after all, I would be leaving my home and the people who'd become something like family behind for a man I barely knew. On the other hand, there were some very strong sparks between us. I woke up before I could come to a decision."

"Okay, first let me say, that's one heck of an epic dream, and I'm bloody jealous that mine are never that brilliant. Also, from what little I learned from dream reading in Divination, you've actually got yourself a dream that would have Parvati and Lavender drooling to interpret; though given that they don't know you as well as I do, their interpretations might be a little off in some areas. I'm also pretty sure that if you were of the persuasion, you could probably get up to a dozen favors of the 'kinky lesbian acts' type to be named and performed later at your convenience out of Lavender."

"Harry!" Hermione protested, blushing.

"Well, you could. While she kept it a secret, I know for a fact that Lavender went both ways, and she probably would have mentioned sharing with you to Ron when they were together if things hadn't ended between them." Hermione chose not to think about that, as Harry seemed to have developed a knack for finding out things about their former classmates that no one else knew, and she really didn't want to think about that. "Hell, if Mr. Patil wasn't one of the strictest men I'd ever met, you could have probably gotten Parvati too."

"Is he really strict?" Hermione asked, momentarily derailed.

"You remember how Padma and Parvati asked me to help them finally master the Patronus?" Hermione nodded. "While Padma had started getting her mist to begin forming a shape, Parvati was still having trouble getting anything. In order to give herself a better memory to use, she grabbed me by the lapels, and snogged me senseless. Her father just so happened to see it, and after berating her harshly for inappropriate behavior, he pulled me aside and told me that if I pulled another stunt like that with one of his daughters, I would be expected to marry her."

"Oh, wow." Hermione said, stunned.

"Yeah." Harry said. "Sure, he eased up a bit, and apologized after learning why Parvati kissed me, but didn't budge on his stance."

"So, back to the dream; what do you think it means?" Hermione asked. "I mean, I have a guess as to what most of it means, but I'd like a second opinion."

"Well, the fact that we have a ship named the Companion that we built together over six years, that's obviously a sign of our friendship. Not sure exactly what Ron being a cabin boy, rather than a more important position means, but it's probably a sign that you and I are closer to each other than we are with Ron from a purely friendship and trust standpoint after the last few years."

"Actually, I think that the cabin boy thing is indicative of Ron's potential." Hermione said. "There have been many famous ship captains who started out as mere cabin boys, so maybe it just means that he still has yet to come into his own."

"Right, better than anything I could come up with, and it makes a lot of sense." Harry admitted. "The captain and first mate thing I'm guessing means that while you're willing to trust my judgment and leadership, you'd also like to be in a position to offer advice to me if I need or ask for it. After all, depending on their relationship, the first mate could likely get away with saying things to the captain that no one else could, so long as it didn't undermine their authority in front of the others."

"That's about what I got as well." Hermione said, smiling.

"Our friends and family being the crew isn't surprising, although it makes me wonder why your parents weren't part of the crew as well." Harry pondered.

"Probably because they aren't magical." Hermione lied, not being able to look Harry in the eye. After what she'd done to her parents, she had an idea of why they really weren't there, and it scared her a bit. Frankly, she just hoped it was her subconscious trying to lay on the guilt for what she'd done, and that it wasn't indicative of the reception she would receive when they went to retrieve her parents in a month.

"I guess." Harry shrugged. "As for the Ginny thing, that's obviously referencing the Chamber, and us being a couple for a few weeks. Us becoming a well known vessel is obviously my notorious fame and infamy; though the time skip where we became famous and beloved for things we didn't see happen could also be a reference to the Horcrux hunt, and the secrecy involved there."

Hermione nodded her agreement, shocked at Harry's thoughts on the time skip as she'd never even considered that. She'd figured it had something to do with his first defeat of Voldemort, and then his return to the magical world ten years later.

"While I'm not entirely sure what the captured at sea Delacours means, unless it's something to do with the second task, it's quite obvious what the Madam Maxime and Hagrid analogs fancying each other, and the Bill and Fleur ones falling in love at first sight means."

"And the rest?" Hermione didn't quite hide her mischievous smile as well as she thought.

"Yes, I'm sure you're getting quite the kick out of the Gabrielle analog deciding that she wanted me just like Gabby has." Harry frowned. "Before you say it, no, her being older does not help, and I'm fairly certain that I don't want to know what that quarrel between Gabby and Ginny means, nor what Luna's suggestion might entail for me in real life. I'm not tempting fate on that one. Now, we get to the most important part, and what I'm guessing you really wanted my opinion on."

"Yes, I have my own thoughts as I said, but I'd really like a second opinion."

"It's actually very simple." Harry said with a shrug. "It's obvious that you and Ron fancy each other. It was also plain as day that you were incredibly smitten with Viktor, especially the fact that a famous boy was interested in Plain Jane Hermione Jean. While you may not realize it, you have conflicting feelings about both Ron and Viktor. You're still regretting not taking the latter's invitation, both because you weren't sure of his intentions, and you weren't ready for the kind of committment you thought he may have been asking you for. This means you still have lingering feelings of interest that you need to sort through, on top of whatever it is that you feel for Ron, and your subconscious is bringing this indecision to your attention through your dreams. The reason you woke up when you did, is because you haven't actually come to a conclusion on that front yourself."

"Wow, you really are more observant than I thought." Hermione said, amazed at Harry's analysis.

"I'll admit that I notice things, but I also listen to you, and can sometimes read between the lines of your letters." Harry gave a sigh. "It may not seem like it sometimes- what with all the craziness I have to deal with myself- but I do pay attention to what's going on with my friends."

"Thank you, Harry." Hermione said, smiling. "Oh, and for the record, Ron was right about us being a couple to an extent."

"Really?"

"I think, that if we had developed romantic interest in each other, there's almost no chance anyone else would have registered for either of us." Thinking about it, Harry gave an amused smile, before a chuckle escaped him as something else came to mind. "Care to share?"

"I was just thinking of something amusing if we had ended up marrying." Hermione raised a brow. "Harry James Potter. Hermione Jean Potter. With us being the same height, if we got monogrammed dressing gowns and bath accessories, we'd always be getting them mixed up."

888

1\. modeled after The Revenge from Rocking the Boat by DerLaCroix, ch. 11


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: For those of you who are alarmed or displeased at how I've portrayed Lily, I feel I should clarify something. Sucks to be you. I'm going to say this once, and only once. If Lily Potter or Kushina Uzumaki are portrayed in humor/crack fics written by me, expect oddness in the extreme so as not to be surprised by anything. If you can't imagine that, then just read a few humor fics of Rorschach's Blot, dogberttcarroll, Lucillia, and Sarah1281 that involve the Uzumaki clan and insanity. Lily and Kushina- and on occasion Luna and Hermione- will most likely be portrayed in a similar manner. Tapdancing on the hairthin line between genius and mild insanity, with a mindset towards Harry/Naruto that- unless specifically said otherwise- runs along the lines of either 'I'm definitely going to fuck his brains out' (mostly Luna and Hermione, but I wouldn't discount the others either), or 'I'd definitely fuck him and have babies if he weren't my...'.**

 **Title: Stupid bets always have a way of biting someone in the ass.**

 **8888888888888888**

"Oh, my baby boy's going to be so manly just like his daddy." Lily said. "We should make Harry a harem."

"Hey, how come Harry gets one, and I couldn't?" James complained. "Especially if he's as manly as his old man."

"Because I didn't want to share you with some stuffy pureblood bint." Lily argued. "Plus, the only girls I would have been comfortable sharing with were either already in a serious relationship, or didn't like you."

It was a little known fact that Harry's adult figures were all gaga over the boy, as well as completely barmy. About the only person that could really tell was Dumbledore, and really, no one would believe him after some of his misadventures combined with his day to day general mannerisms. Not that he would say anything in the first place, he felt that sanity was overrated a lot of the time, anyway. After hearing about the prophecy, James and Lily agreed that Harry would be special, and that they should create a harem for him. So from the day of his birth, up until his first birthday, they were to try and find the best future wife for Harry. They brought the others in on the decision, to an extent. Everyone thought James and Lily were going to file one of the contracts later for their son after discussing it some. No one but Lily was in on the fact that he was going to get all of them.

Whoever gets the best wife for Harry, gets to name the Potter's floo address.

"So, who did we get?" Lily asked. "I got a contract signed with Eddie for his neice Susan (Edgar, Amelia, Susan's dad), and if her mother is any indication, she's going to be a very healthy youg lady."

"Ohh, good one lils." James exclaimed. "Bones women are always super stacked. I'm sure he'll very much enjoy his very own set of Bones baps." Lily preened under her husbands compliments.

"Well, I've been talking to a friend of mine, Afshan Patil." Remus said, smiling in remembrance of the most fabulous bum he'd ever seen on a woman. And this was even considering the fact that some of his work with the Order had brought him into contact with some Veela. "She seemed interested in making arrangements for her daughters Parvati and Padma, but only if they could both stay together."

"Twins...impressive Moony," Sirius said. "But I've got you beat. I talked my cousin Andy into signing a contract with her daughter Nymphadora."

"Doesn't seem all that impressive to me." James said. "Sure your cousins are hot, even that mental case Bellatrix, but that doesn't really mean much."

"But you interrupted before I could get to the best part." Sirius bragged. "Little Nymphie is a Metamorphmagus." James and Lily whistled, while Moony pouted.

"That is impressive." Lily said, practically oozing with pride at how great her son's harem was shaping up to be. "You better reclaim our honor James, or Sirius is going to get to name our Floo address. I will not have our house registered as The Kennel."

"Well, I don't know if it tops it, but I've got at least a tie." James bragged, meaning that they would have to agree on a name, and when the sex was a good as James had it, there was no way he was risking not getting Lily's input on the matter. "On an assignment for the Order, I met a French bloke who seemed like quite the nice chap. We've kept in touch, and when I made the inquiry, he was more than happy to set up an arrangement between Harry and Fleur; so long as there was a stipulation that the wedding would only go through if both were still in agreement when they were older."

"Really, James-" Lily said huffing, but was cut off.

"Ah ah ah, dearest, you didn't let me finish." He said. "You see, Anton Delacour's wife is a half-Veela." Sirius' eyes went wide as Lily tackled her husband to the floor, and began kissing him all over his face.

"You got our son a part Veela?!" She exclaimed, huffing for an entirely different reason now. "You Mr. Potter, are going to be shagged completely stupid as soon as these three knuckleheads leave."

"So Peter, top that." The rat faced man, hung his head.

"Well, I didn't do so well." He said. "You see, I wasn't nearly as popular as you guys, and well, the only person I really got on with aside from you was old Xeno. So, I made arrangements with him. If his and Selene's child is a girl, then they'll sign it. If not, Harry's just got a blank contract he can use for whoever he wants later."

"I think Peter might have done just that, Prongs." Sirius said chuckling. "Lovegoods are notorious for being terribly naive about magical creatures, but super smart, and we all know that brainy birds are naughty. There's also the fact that the Ollivanders have a touch of the Sight, and rumor has it that Seers are even naughtier than brainy birds." Lily sighed.

"Poor Sybill hasn't been the same since she not only predicted the death of her husband, but not even a week later accidentally killed him."

"I don't know." James said. "Seemed like the most awesome way to go. And I don't think old Stevie was too torn up about it given the smile on his face."

"Too right." Sirius said. "But like I was saying; given how naughty brainy birds are supposed to be, and the fact that Seers are even naughtier, a brainy Seer would probably be so naughty that it couldn't even be fathomed."

"Congratulations Peter." Lily said, a mixture of extreme giddiness on behalf of her son, and dejected reluctance at what Peter would name their floo.

"I'm thinking the Lily's Marauder Den." Peter said, much to Lily's annoyance, although glad, knowing it could have been much worse. She would forgive him for putting her name in it...for now.

"Just out of curiosity, does anyone else feel like that name sounds like a pet shop owned and operated by Lils?"

Lily grinned. "Well, you have to admit, it does fit, doesn't it. We've got a pet rodent, and a mangy, overgrown krup. For our wealthier patrons wanting more exotic pets, we've even got a wolf and a stag."

"So much for your declaration of resisting corruption." Remus teased the redhead.

"I'm married to James and pregnant with his child, I failed at that endeavor a long time ago." Lily said, rolling her eyes.

888

After betraying the Potters just over eighteen months later, Peter felt guilty, so he came back, and grabbed both his master's wand, and the marriage contracts. He filed all of the contracts hoping to ease some of the guilt.

While Harry had broken things off with Ginny, he was still hoping that they could be a serious couple once Voldemort was defeated. Sadly for those hopes, upon reaching his majority, the contracts his parents made become active. Unfortunately for Harry, Fleur was the only contract that would be voided, as she was already engaged to be married to Bill. After all, knowing about the contract Sirius had made with his cousin gave Remus a much firmer reason and resolve in resisting Nym's attention.

"Mum, I can't believe you set me up with a marriage contract." Nymphadora Tonks exclaimed to her mother.

"Really dear, what's so wrong with it?" Andromeda 'Call me Andy and die' Tonks, replied. "You're going to be marrying a young man with a lot of monetary, political, and physical power. You know him personally, and know that he's a good man. He's as good a husband as you'll ever find."

"But mum, you said that you'd never sign me up for a marriage contract."

"I did this when you were seven, Nymmie." Andromeda explained. "When James and Lily died, no one who they'd been in negotiations with had been able to confirm which of the contracts they'd decided upon. We all just assumed that they'd never decided, and never been filed, and I didn't feel you needed to be bothered with things that would never affect you. How was I supposed to know that Lily was serious about Harry having a harem?"

"Great, so not only am I being forced to marry a guy seven year my junior, but I have to share him now too?"

"It's not so bad, dear." Romi said. "Considering that Potter men are cursed with having enormous penises, and ridiculously amazing bedroom talent..."

"They are?" Nym asked, only just able to stop the small amount of drool that wanted to come.

"Oh yes, you could always tell when James and Lily were intimate." The elder Tonks said. "She'd always be walking funny for days afterwards." Tonks' eyes suddenly took on a glazed look. "And she would always go on and on about multiple orgasms." It was only a second later that the Tonks home emptied of all Ministry officials.

"Interesting tale you wove, my dear." Andromeda leaned back into her husbands embrace, as he pulled her to him, and spoke into her ear.

"Not a tale, the truth."

"Even the part about cursed genitals." His tone was amused.

"They were cursed during a time when people were less statured, and having a big penis was a sign of the devil."

"Oh, well, at least our baby girl will have as fulfilling a love life as we do."


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Just because there's not nearly enough of Luna playing Dumbledore's game, and doing it so much better.**

 **Title: A Method to the Madness**

 **8888888888888888**

Late afternoon found seventeen year old, future Magi-zoologist Luna Lovegood sitting by the lake, feeding the giant squid cucumber and tapioca sandwiches. Luna gave a small shudder. While she absolutely adored cucumber sandwiches, and tapioca pudding was her favorite dessert, the thought of combining them was just out of the question. While she wouldn't begrudge Mr. Squiggles his preferences, she couldn't share them. She was broken from her peaceful semi-solitude when her friend Ronald- and she'd been so surprised at how much better a friend he'd become since the end of her fifth year when Headmaster Dumbledore died- sat down next to her.

"Luna, can I ask you to help me with something, and not tell anyone about it?" Ron asked the sometimes flighty blonde.

Of course, now he was aware that it wasn't totally her fault that she seemed distracted so often. Her mind was always dealing with dozens of thoughts, ideas, and future experiments at once, kind of like playing over a dozen games of chess at once, and trying to think over a dozen moves ahead in each one. The girl was just as brilliant as Hermione, but where Hermione could push everything else to the back of her mind, and focus on a single subject- almost obsessively so, sometimes- Luna didn't seem to share that trait...or maybe she didn't want to. He didn't know, and he wasn't going to try and find out. It would only lead to a discussion that would short his brain out.

"Of course, Ronald." Luna said, bringing him out of his thoughts. "What did you need?"

"I need your help figuring out a way to get Hermione to leave me for Harry." He said, then braced himself for the backlash. While habitually kind, when her ire was raised- and hurting those she called close friends was one way to do that- you were in deep crud.

"You're very lucky that the Nargles say that it is a good idea to help you." Luna said, after turning and leaning as if to listen to something just behind her. "However, I would like to know why you are asking my help for this."

"Well, I've looked back at mine and Hermione's relationship over the years, and while Harry was kind of hiding away from everyone, I realized that the only reason me and Hermione meshed the way we did, was because of Harry." Ron admitted. "When things were good, we were good, but when things got bad...sometimes we were more civil to Malfoy and Parkinson than each other. While Hermione thinks that we can figure out a way through this, I've never been as optimistic as her about anything aside from quidditch. As for why I came to you...well, you've always struck me as someone who just seems to be able to see, understand, and know things. You know, unique ways of thinking that no one else would consider, and frankly, that's the only way I can see this working without Harry and Hermione killing me."

"Well, I do have an idea, but I would need to contact Gringotts." Luna said. "So, are you going to tell me the other reason why you're trying to do this?"

Ron winced a bit. "So you could tell that wasn't the whole story, huh? Well, it's just that while I was thinking back, I also noticed that my arguments with Hermione sometimes reminded me a lot of the ones I had with Ginny, and it got me wondering if Hermione was more like a sister to me, and if us trying to date wasn't a form of incest."

"Ronald," Luna started with a sigh.

"Yeah, I know how silly it sounds, but it doesn't change the fact that it stuck in my mind enough that when she and Ginny jokingly switched hair styles for that bet, it gave me the wiggins."

888

Several days later, found Luna in Gringotts staring Gringott VII in the eye. "No."

"I think that you should." Luna said. "As a matter of fact, it's in your best interest to do so."

"Oh really." He gave snarl. "Is that a threat?"

The goblin began inching for his blade when the girl didn't answer, before having his world turned on his head. "Oh, I guess I was wrong about the goblins being masters of business." Again the goblin snarled. "By releasing the estates on this list into the custody of Harry Potter- two of which are his by right of birth and conquest respectively- it will allow you to remove the tariffs placed on you by the Ministry to prevent their confiscation, and you can start charging fees to manage them as you do his other accounts. Due to the age, value, prestige, and number of goblin crafted items on retainer for each estate, you could make quite a bit of gold off of fees that the estates' wealth wouldn't even register if groomed properly."

Doing several quick calculations in his head, the goblin realized that the girl was right. This also sent warning flags off in his head. "What is your name, girl."

"Oh, did I not introduce myself?" Luna asked politely. "My name is Luna, Luna Lovegood."

Gringott VII turned a putrid shade of his skin tone at hearing the name. His predecessor had warned him against the dangers of trying to negotiate against those of Lovegood blood. Gringott VI had even regailed him with horror stories of how Gringott II- who'd only lasted 72hrs as head of the bank- nearly brought about the enslavement of their entire race when he'd tried to do so, and how the many clans had called for his head mere days after his successor negotiated lighter terms for their race. To think he'd almost made such a grave mistake.

"Mr. Potter will receive notice of his expanded estate by closing hours." He would see to it personally.

"Thank you very much." Luna said politely, even dipping into an elegant curtsy.

888

"Harry, you know that I like Hermione, but I don't think I can be with her romantically anymore." Ron said. "You've got to do something."

"What am I supposed to do?" Harry asked, also wondering where the hell this was coming from. For the past year and some, Ron had been just on the edge of stubbornly gung-ho about him and Hermione being meant for each other.

"Well, if you were to express an interest in her, I'm sure she'd drop me for you in a heartbeat." Ron guessed, as per the plan Luna came up with.

"Ron, while I'll admit that Hermione and I are a lot closer than you and she are at the moment, that doesn't mean she's interested in me like that." Harry explained. "Despite how much we love each other as friends, she only had those kinds of feelings for you."

"But Harry, you know Hermione and I would be a disaster." Ron said. "We'd fight all the time, and we'd probably have a huge row that would make us break up, and our friendships with you would be strained, because we couldn't be in the same room without having a go at each other."

"Ron, I won't lie to you," Harry started. "-with Ginny proving once again that she is little more than a fangirl, and Luna having no romantic interest in me, I'll admit that Hermione is my best prospect, and I can even admit that I wouldn't have any issues being with her. However, how do you expect me to convince her to drop you like a bad habit, and take up with me? And this is before you factor in that despite what Rita Skeeter thinks, Hermione isn't the type to just drop a guy for another that strikes her fancy."

"Um, do you have any really rare books?" Ron said.

"Seriously, that's your plan?" Harry asked. "Impress her with rare books? Ron, Hermione may love learning, and reading in a way that boggles us, but she's not the bibliophile type."

"It wouldn't hurt to try."

"Fine, but if this backfires, I'm telling her this was your idea." Harry said.

"Meh, it wouldn't be the first time she was out for my blood." Ron said with a shrug.

888

"Hermione, would you be willing to drop Ron, and take up with me?"

"Harry, that's a horrible thing to ask." Hermione protested. "What could you possibly think would make me do something like that?"

With a prayer that he wouldn't be losing his best friend over this, Harry reached into a bag, and started pulling out books that he'd found his family owned.

"The Potter Family Grimoire, almost a thousand years old. The Malfoy Family Grimoire that I won in that bet that made Narcissa my...ahem...pet." Hermione's eyes narrowed.

She was still rather annoyed that Harry had made that drunken bet, and after he won, he hadn't set the woman free. Though she'd be surprised to learn that Narcissa, after sleeping with her new master- something that they'd had to do at least once to formalize her being his legal pet- didn't want to be set free, and resisted all attempts to do so. Not only that, but she was very frequently plotting ways to seduce him into bed again, and implementing said plots as often as she could with varying degrees of success. She'd found it odd that the plots that she hoped led to sex always failed, but the ones that simply granted her snogging, heavy petting, and dry humping to release, seemed to meet with success more often than not.

"That's not helping your case." Hermione growled.

"Well, this one is just over a thousand years old, and half in French." Harry replied reaching for the next book. "The Black Family Grimoire, almost twelve hundred years old. Copies of the personal journals of Gryffindor, over a thousand years old. Copies of the personal journals of Hufflepuff, over a thousand years old, and containing notes of her enchantment of the cup Voldemort corrupted. Copies of the personal journals of Ravenclaw, over a thousand years old, and with notes of how she created her diadem. Copies of the personal journals of Slytherin, over a thousand years old. The Grimoire of the Peverell Family, and research notes of the three Peverell brothers; the first almost thirteen hundred years old, and the second over eight hundred. And yes, the notes on the creation of the Hallows are in the latter."

Harry looked up at his best friend to see that her eyes had partially glazed over, and he began to worry for a moment until she shook her head. "You realize that you've just proposed to me, right?"

"Yeah, that was kind of the point." Harry said, shocked and amazed that Ron's plan had worked.

"Good, now put those away, and meet me in the RoR." She said. "I'm going to ride you like a cowgirl in a rodeo."

Sixteen hours later...

While it got in numerous places that were just unpleasant, Harry still had to admit that losing ones virginity on a recreation of a white sand beach in the Caribbean was the way to go.

"So, I'm guessing from the numerous hickeys on your neck that I was right." Ron said.

"Yeah." Harry replied, deciding to be a good friend, and not mention to his mate what he'd just given up, and how stupid he was for doing so. Then again, he was probably right about him and Hermione not being a good match, regardless of how great the sex might be.

888888

Several days after Hermione and Harry married, and she finally gained access to the documents detailing the magical bet between Houses Potter and Malfoy, the witch set about arranging for Mrs. Malfoy's freedom. While she loved her husband- and she was shocked at just how in love she was with him once she allowed herself to think of him that way- the very idea that he owned another human being disgusted her. The only reason she wasn't still so obsessed with House Elves, is because one of the Hogwarts elves had schooled her on the facts of life about sentient beings and bonds in the magical world. To her shock, when she went over the file detailing the bet, she would find almost a hundred legally documented and filed offers for freedom with both Gringott's and the Ministry that Harry had made to the woman, as well as the formally documented, polite rejections.

Upon paying a visit to Harry's pet, she was sent into a blushing fit upon learning exactly why the woman had refused her freedom. When Hermione received a notebook detailing all of Narcissa's plots to get Harry in bed with her again, as well as a threat to seduce the younger witch into convincing Harry to bed his pet on a regular basis, Hermione fled. She reappeared at his side- through Hogwarts' wards, at that- smothered herself into his side in a fierce hug, and apologized profusely for not believing him about the randy old cougar who desperately wanted his cream.

888888

Ten years later, Luna is baby sitting Harry and Hermione's children while they're on a second honeymoon, and one of them- an animal lover after her own heart- finds a Snorkack.

"Auntie Luna, lookit what I found." Luna smiled as she held the small furry creature in her hand with the crumpled horn.

While messing with destiny and the grand design had cost her a relationship with the young man she'd developed a crush on during her apprenticeship to Newt Scamander, it had all been worth it in the end. Besides, ever since Narcissa had successfully seduced her mistress, and the discovery that Potter men reached their sexual prime in a manner similar to most women, Hermione had been a lot more open to help containing it. She was sure that her family's collection of tomes from the legendary Library of Alexandria would be a rather nice dowry for her accepting a second wife for Harry.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Another piece to appease my annoyance at there not being enough of Luna playing Dumbledore's game, and doing it so much better.**

 **Title: One very convincing blonde**

 **AN:** This was an excercise in escalation. Seeing if I can take one concept, and how far I can escalate the bizarreness without crossing the line into pure insanity...I'm pretty sure I failed, because I can't see the line very well. Starts after Slughorn's party where Harry doesn't abandon her to spy on Malfoy

 **8888888888888888**

"Luna, I don't think this-"

"Harry, I insist that I give you my virginity, while you're insisting that I shouldn't." Luna said matter of factly. "While you may make a good argument, you will eventually fail to convince me, and will come to agree with my point of view. So how about we just pretend that I told you about a frightful creature that one can only protect themselves from by making love with someone they care about, and leave it at that?"

Harry stared in the blonde's eyes for several moments, before just shrugging. "Fine, but you're going to be my girlfriend afterwards, because I just don't feel comfortable having sex with you so randomly."

"That's agreeable," Luna replied. "-now lie back, and let me draw this little rune on your chest. Then you can make love to me, boyfriend."

888

Six weeks after Harry began dating Luna, he found himself in the midst of a very baffling conversation involving his girlfriend and his best female friend.

"You want to repeat that?" Hermione asked.

"Not particularly, but if it will make more sense hearing it again," Luna shrugged. "-I would like for you and my boyfriend Harry to make hot, passionate love to each other while I watch, and I would also like to watch Harry's semen spill from your thoroughly ravished vagina. While I'd prefer you did so unprotected by contraceptives, Harry doesn't yet qualify for two wives, and I'd rather not be a mistress."

It was true, Harry wouldn't qualify for two wives until his seventeenth birthday, when he'd gain his headship of his own family to go with the Black Family headship he'd already inherited. While there were two headships that he could probably claim immediately, he wouldn't be eligable for either of them until after Voldemort was dealt with, just to be sure they wouldn't offend any family magics, and if she were honest, he was liable to be eligible for his two inherited headships before that was dealt with. Which was quite disappointing, actually.

Even more disappointing was not getting to watch Hermione and Harry make love without protection. While she knew watching Harry make love to Hermione would be incredibly erotic alone, the added risk would have made it simply divine. She was very sure that the climax she had from masturbating to the sight of Harry impregnating Hermione would have been incredibly intense, and left her spectacularly tingly all over. She also knew, however, that she was unlikely to convince the older girl of doing that just yet, and insisting on it would most likely increase the chances of Hermione not agreeing to make love with Harry.

"Even if I'm more comfortable with- and better suited for- the mistress position, I'd much prefer second wife. Unfortunately, my family doesn't qualify for consort marriages." Luna added. "So that means you'll have to use protection when making love to Harry."

"You can't be serious." Hermione protested. "I mean, not that there's anything wrong with Harry, he's actually quite fanciable, but you can't seriously expect me to just have sex with him. Especially with him being your rather serious boyfriend, not mine, and while you watch us at that."

"I didn't say anything about sex, I said make hot, passionate love." Luna corrected.

"Regardless of what you said, you can't honestly expect me to do that with him." Hermione was almost in full rant mode now. "He's my best friend, he's like a brother-"

"Hermione, I would very much like to watch you and Harry engage in tender, passionate, soul cleansing, leave-you-tingly-all-over-for-days lovemaking." Luna said firmly, earning a blush from the older witch despite her near hysterical countenance. After all, what young woman wouldn't want what the blonde had described for her first time? "Now you're sure to continue arguing against it, and you may even make several good points, but just like Harry before you, you will fail to convince me to let this go, and you will eventually come to agree that your making love to Harry is a _very_ good idea. So let's just pretend that I found a passage in a book that explains in very thorough detail why this- or a situation similar enough to count- is a good idea, and you just let me watch you make love to Harry?"

Hermione just gaped at the blonde staring her in the eyes- almost like she was staring into her soul- for several seconds. Harry, already feeling awkward, embarrassed, and a whole host of other synonyms, could only watch stunned at the byplay. While he could admit that Hermione had grown quite beautiful over the years, he wasn't sure about moving beyond their current level of friendship. Not to mention how Ron would react when he found out. Thankfully, the longer Hermione took to answer, the better Harry felt his chances of Hermione resisting whatever compulsion Luna seemed to have over him were. Even if it was brilliant being her boyfriend, her ability to talk him into things unnerved him sometimes, even if she did turn out to be correct 97 percent of the time. Hermione though- brilliant, logical Hermione- would be able to resist. After all, it wasn't like someone as smart as Hermione would be suckered in by something like that, right?

"I'm sorry, Luna, but I'm going to have to refuse." Hermione said, missing the relieved look on Harry's face. Luna gave a sigh, really not wanting to have to reveal her trump card. Especially considering that she'd been planning to save it as a trump card for convincing Hermione to have unprotected sex with Harry on his seventeenth birthday. While Ginny was a good friend, she was all wrong for Harry in the marital position she wanted, and she needed to ensure that said position went to Hermione.

"Did you know that all of the books that were housed in the magical section of the fabled Library of Alexandria were mostly copies of books that are owned by mine and Harry's families?" Luna asked, causing Hermione's eyes to glaze over. "Some of the most rare tombs are even part of my inheritance when I marry Harry. The regular entries are being held in stasis in a Gringotts storage vault, and are just waiting for Harry and I to visit together to gain and grant access to."

"Fine, but if making love to Harry is so good that I end up dropping Ronald and becoming drunkenly addicted to making love with Harry, then you have to take responsibility, and share him." Hermione argued, remembering the state she'd found the two in days earlier, and the vacant- well, more than usual- expression Luna had as a result of Harry's bedroom talents. Harry sighed in half disappointment and half resignation as for the first time, Hermione had failed him, and completely let him down in a situation that didn't involve her respect for authority being used against her.

"Agreed," Luna stated. "I'll even explain things to Ronald, and ease him into the fact that he was netorared by Harry's amazing willy. Now before we start, I need to draw a couple runes on you and Harry."

An hour later, Hermione groaned as her hand settled onto her abdomen, causing a large glop of creamy white fluid to spill from her slightly gaping, deliciously abused fanny, running down the crack of her rear to add to the puddle her rump was lying in. "Sweet jeebus I feel so full. How could one person possibly release that much fluid?"

"Harry is very special." Luna said, remembering her surprise the first time she'd experienced it. Though, if she were honest, she doubted it was anything more special than Harry having an unusual reaction to the ritual she was using on them. Well, that and the number of times he came inside of her; although again it should be mentioned that the number of ejaculations it took to completely wear Harry out had more than doubled from five to almost a full dozen. Taking the full brunt of Harry's stamina was probably a bad challenge for a single girl to take on now.

"I'll say." Hermione agreed.

"So, does Harry get to keep his sexy, kinky bookworm as a lover?" Luna asked cheerfully from her left.

"Oh please, you already knew I'd get addicted to Harry's love making after one time, and that I'd end up agreeing to be with Harry." Hermione replied.

"Due to being on the receiving end of that fairly frequently over the past few weeks, yes, I was confident that Harry could claim you if he bedded you, but not completely sure." Luna admitted. "Of the potential targets for the coven I'm forming for Harry, you were the biggest unknown. Between your morals and your general stubbornness, I was sure that if any of you would be able to resist both your feelings for Harry, and the desire to make love to him, it would be you."

"Yes, well I'm smart enough to know that my previous choice wouldn't have put in nearly as much effort or focus upon my reaching climax so many times, and I'm fairly sure I've been ruined for him. I doubt that I'll be able to settle for anything less, now. I'm guessing that's something else that you were either expecting or hoping for?"

"Yes, actually." Luna unashamedly admitted with a glance at _their_ softly dozing boyfriend.

888

"Hullo Ronald." Luna said days later, catching Ron outside of the broom cupboard he was to meet Lavender in.

"What do you want, Luna?" Ron asked rudely. "I'm busy at the moment."

"Did you know that Hermione used to fancy you?" She asked.

"Really?" Ron asked, before his eyes narrowed. "What do you mean, 'used to'?"

"Well, she fancied you quite a bit until just a week ago." Luna answered. "You see, ever since you decided to date Lavender, and make a spectacle of your relationship to make her jealous for some silly reason, her feelings for you started to diminish very rapidly. Oddly enough, she still held onto some hope for the two of you, so I suggested that she give her virginity to Harry."

"Why would you do that?" Ron argued.

"We were discussing pureblood customs, and I mentioned that most pureblood girls- aside from those whose families still used marriage contracts- tend to lose their virginities around fourteen or fifteen. She was curious why, and so I explained to her about all of the power enhancement rituals that called for the use of virgin girls."

"But why Harry?" Ron asked, knowing about some of those nasty rituals having overheard his mother talking to Ginny, and discussing which of the less vile ones- those that only called for a virgin's chastity to be sacrificed- she might use to increase Harry's power to help him overcome Voldemort. Never let it be said that Molly Weasley wasn't doing her part to help vanquish Voldemort; and if it got her daughter with the boy she loved so, that was just an added bonus.

"Well, even if she fancied you, it's not like she could ask your help since you have a girlfriend." Ron frowned, but couldn't exactly argue with that. He was also fairly certain Lavender wouldn't have agreed to that anyway. "Not only that, but since he's still got to fight Voldemort, well, he could certainly use the power enhancement receiving Hermione's chastity would give him.

That Ron couldn't deny, and even said as much. "So what happened?"

"Anyway, she agreed to have Harry be her first, even if she still hoped things would work between you two. Well, apparently Harry's developed quite a bit of sexual skill and experience since we started dating, because her feelings for you have completely disappeared, now she's in love with Harry and his amazing love stick."

"How could-" Ron started, his ears turning red.

"It's alright, you know." Luna said. "I know that the only reason you were so insistent upon being with Hermione, was because of your insecurities, and that you felt she was the only girl who you'd have a chance with because of your friendship. What you fail to realize is that you're dating Lavender Brown, one of the prettiest girls in your year, and she genuinely likes you."

"I know, but-"

"Don't worry Ronald, I'm sure that Lavender will be more than happy to help you get over Hermione, and forget that you ever fancied her. Now you should probably go, before she gets tired of waiting. Oh, and I'd suggest to Lavender using the the ritual on page 42."

"What?" Ron asked confused.

"Don't worry, she'll know what I meant."

And with that Luna turned and walked away. In an odd twist, Lavender had overheard the entire conversation, and made it her mission to prove Luna a seer. Opening the door behind him, Lavender grabbed her boyfriend by the collar, and pulled him inside, where she proceeded to jump him, and show him what she felt for him. A much mellowed and relaxed Ronald Bilius Weasley returned to Gryffindor tower that evening without his V-card. To the shock of his best friends, he slapped Harry on the back, and even hugged Hermione as he congratulated them on their relationship. He even admitted that while he was surprised at Luna's involvement, he wasn't exactly surprised that the two got together.

As for the ritual Luna suggested, upon their seventeenth birthdays, Ron and Lavender would find that their magical strength, control, and focus had nearly doubled. By giving her boyfriend all three of her V-cards, Lavender had ensured that they would receive relevant boosts equal to half of their combined capabilities. Now while neither of the two truly applied themselves as most would think they should have, that didn't change the fact that both had tremendous potential just waiting to be used. It was just unfortunate that neither would deign to use it until it was far too late to get the most out of it.

Luckily for the two, with one pair of best mates (Harry and Ron) dating a certain pair of best friends (Parvati and Lavender), Lavender would be drawn into the Hermione sphere of study influence as she and Parvati started spending more time with the former trio now expanded, so there was zero chance that either she or Ron would squander their potential. The two girls would open the biggest worldwide cosmetics conglomerate in the world- and one that was even animal friendly- while Ron would go on to become the best Master Auror since Alastor Moody's great aunt Agnes. Ha, peripheral three lives improved in one shot from having Hermione shag Harry, suck on that canon pairings.

888

"Hello Padma, Parvati." Luna said, as she, Hermione, and Harry sat down at the table the two sisters were using in the library. Even if her focus on silly things- as Hermione had described- wasn't impressive, it would still shock people to know that Parvati often studied with her more academic sister, and that Parvati was 12th in their year in overall grades according to their OWLs.

"Hullo Luna, Harry, Hermione." Padma spoke for the duo, as very few people could conversate with Luna for long without developing a headache or spastic twitch. She and Harry were two of the seven people that could (Padma, Harry, Xeno, Ginny, Dumbledore, Hagrid, Firenze), and aside from Ginny and Padma, everyone on that list was pretty barmy themselves. "What can we do for you?"

"Well, could we talk to you in private, perhaps?" Luna asked.

"What about?" Parvati asked suspiciously.

"It's actually rather personal, if you don't mind, and we'd prefer not to have things overheard." Hermione interjected.

After relocating, and all of them taking a seat at one of the large tables in the abandoned Charms classroom, Parvati got things underway.

"So what was it you wanted to talk about?" Parvati asked.

"We were wondering if you'd be willing to have a threesome with Harry while Hermione and I watch?" Luna asked plainly. "I think it would be incredibly erotic to watch one of you slurp Harry's semen out of your sister, but Hermione doesn't believe me."

"What?!" Parvati yelled angrily. "How dare you ask us something like that?!"

Padma, being the cooler head of the two, and more familiar with the complete bluntness and honesty-that sometimes came off as oddness- that often came from Luna, placed a hand on her older sister's arm. Even if they had talked about that very thing a couple times- "That's a very rude and presumptuous question, Luna; not something I'd ever thought you capable of. What makes you think that we're even into things like that?"

"I guess you're right." Luna agreed. "I'm sorry about the way that came out, and I really should have worded that differently, but that still doesn't change the fact that you and your sister should definitely have a threesome with Harry. You should know, though, that this has nothing to do with your culture, how you might have been raised, nor any assumptions about what kinds of things have happened in your heritage in the past. This has everything to do with the fact that you both have tons of magical talent and potential, as well as a good head on your shoulders, even if Parvati's focus leaves a little to be desired. It also doesn't hurt that you're identical twins, you're unspeakably sexy, and I've masturbated to squirting orgasms thinking of what your amazing lips would look like tag-teaming and wrapped around Harry's penis. And again, I think it would be incredibly sexy watching you slurp Harry's semen out of each other in a perverted and obscene manner."

Both twins blushed, as Padma and Parvarti had had their own fantasies about that. "Look Luna-" Parvati started, only to be interrupted.

"Padma, Parvati, I would very much like to watch the two of you and Harry engage in a deliciously hot threesome." Luna said firmly, unnerving everyone at the table as she stared both girls in an eye at the same time. Even moreso because the twins were sitting next to each other, and Luna had locked onto each twin's outermost eye. "Now you're sure to argue against it, and you may even make several good points, but just like Harry and Hermione before you, you _will_ fail to convince me to drop this notion. Furthermore, you will eventually come to agree that a threesome with Harry is a very good idea because we all know that you want to, and that you even discussed the possibility when you inquired to Padma about attending the Yule Ball with Ronald. So let's just stop pretending that your nipples aren't hard enough to cut glass, and you especially Parvati, are not in need of a change of knickers just from discussing it."

"I...you-" Parvati tried.

"If it would help, I can ask daddy to borrow his pensieve, and we can show you a memory of Harry's prowess that involved him leaving Hermione and I sweaty, dopey grinned, convulsing wrecks spilling several pints of his potently thick semen from our abused fannies at the same time."

"Really, at the same time?" Padma couldn't help asking, being the much more interested twin as far as the threesome idea went. Sure, Parv went along with it, but the elder Patil twin's preference would always have been intercourse with one lover at a time. Still, since it was something kinky she'd wanted to at least try, and she was sexually attracted to both her sister and Harry, she was more willing to consider it than she might have been with anyone else involved.

"Oh yes, and the tingles were still going strong the next morning." Luna gushed. "If that doesn't suit you, we can always recreate the Yule Ball in the Room of Requirements, and have Harry be a proper date, so that you'll have no excuse not to tag team his magnificent willy as per your original agreement."

"Fine, but Harry has to be willing to take care of us if we get disowned by our grandfather for this." Parvati's head snapped to her left to glare at her younger sister at the girl's blanket agreement. At Padma's return questioning raised eyebrow, Parvati sagged, and nodded her acceptance. After all, it wasn't like she could deny anything Luna had said, especially about having soaked knickers.

"Agreed." Luna said.

"You don't mind being with me like that?" Harry asked, genuinely shocked they'd agreed.

"Harry, there's a reason Luna ensured us that her seeking us out not being about how we might have been raised." Padma explained as Parvati started undressing him, and pressing distracting kisses to his throat and nibbling on his neck and ears. "Luna alluded to it before, but our family has a history of incestuous bisexuality."

Hermione already transfiguring several items into a large bed, and a couple comfy spectator chairs with plenty of space for her and Luna to stretch out in as they diddled, stumbled in her spellwork, and actually had to reverse, and recast one of her spells.

"Really?"

"Oh yes. Given the way they develop, identical twins have long been considered two aspects of the same witch or wizard that differed just enough to split the embryo before it really began growing. We're taught from a very early age to both accept and enjoy sexual intimacy with our twins since it's little more than advanced masturbation, as well as to accept that we will likely- more often than not- be marrying the same person. To our family, me going down on Parvati would be exactly the same as Parvati going down on herself; only requiring a lot less flexibility."

"So you two actually have-" Harry asked, his eyes wide, before closing with a groan, as Parvati had removed his shirt, and her lips had found their way to his rather sensitive nipples. Hermione had been particularly vindictive when she'd discovered that after he'd made her mess her knickers just from nibbling and suckling on her equally sensitive buds; which became hyper-sensitive when she got turned on.

"At least once or twice a week since we turned fourteen." Parvati admitted, never even removing her lips from Harry. "We were actually going to spend some time together tonight after we finished studying."

"So what was that about being disowned?" Hermione couldn't help aking.

"Padma thinks that we've already been promised to someone else." Parvati answered, raising her head from where she'd been licking, sucking, and nibbling on Harry's abs. She began making quick work of his belt and pants.

"Just tell him that you're joining the coven of a Parselmouth." Luna said.

"That should work," Padma admitted. "-although, daddy'll probably be insufferably smug, and he'll insist on meeting Harry, and actually hearing him speak snake."

"Oh, I almost forgot," Luna said. "-before you get too far and we get distracted, I need to draw a couple runes."

As the trio finally collapsed in exhaustion, Luna was surprised to see that the size of Harry's orgasm had increased quite a bit from what it was, almost doubled. This certainly leant credence to the ritual increasing Harry's ejaculation volume. He was now up to almost 600cc's per ejaculation; and if you multiplied that by the dozen times he could easily perform...oh dear Merlin (1). She was also exceptionally smug, as she'd been proven right. Watching Parvati and Padma cleaning up after Harry while going down on each other was indeed the most erotic thing either she or Hermione had ever seen, only just edging out watching the pair of twins double blowjob Harry.

888

"Luna, I've been meaning to ask you," Harry started one afternoon, as the pair snuggled in the RoR. "-are you trying to create me a harem?"

"Of course not, silly, what makes you think that?" She asked.

"Well, we were dating, and I thought that was just brilliant." Harry said. "Then, you suddenly approach Hermione, Padma, and Parvati with the expectation of me shagging them rotten. Not only that, but given the negotiated terms you agreed to each time, it was like you expected them to be permanent additions to our relationship- which they have- rather than just one time things to sate your interesting voyeur kink."

"Don't worry Harry, I'm not creating you a harem." Luna said, and waited until he breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm forming a coven with you as the central point."

"Um, what's the difference?" Harry asked warily.

"In the magical world, a wizard creates a harem," Luna started. "-while it's a witch who creates her wizard a coven. Not only that, but witches in harems are little more than playthings for their master. In a coven, each woman is considered on equal relationship status with the wizard and each other, almost like wives. They also have much more legal power than harem girls, in so much as you can't force us to do anything that we wouldn't normally agree to. Although, with the way you've been swinging that willy of yours around, there's very little you probably couldn't convince us to do; well, at least in bed, anyway."

888

"Hello Susan," Luna said, as her still growing family joined the Hufflepuff at her table in the library, having waited until the table's other occupant had headed into the book stacks. "How would you like to ride Harry cowgirl while Hermione, Parvati, Padma, and I get hypnotized from watching your titanic tits bounce up and down?"

"Really?" Susan asked, to which Luna nodded. "Alright, let's go. I'll leave a note for Hannah to tell her where I've gone."

"Really, that easily?" Parvati asked.

"Well, yeah." Susan replied. "What girl wouldn't want to be with Harry? The fact that he's got a coven that he's obviously more than capable of taking care of in bed makes him even more desirable. The only things that I'd ask, are that Harry accept a Line Continuation marriage with House Bones, and that you consider bringing Hannah in." This earned her a frown from everyone. "Hannah is my best friend, and we've done everything together since we were toddlers. First year we made a promise to each other that should one of us become Harry's girlfriend, we would share him. If I'm going through with this, I can't go back on that promise."

"I'm sorry, Susan, but I can't be with Hannah." Harry said. "Issues involving accusations and badges that she's never apologized for will make things very awkward. Even if I got over things enough for her to be a part of the DA, being in a relationship with her is completely different."

"You should know that she never believed you were the Heir of Slytherin second year, and everyone in Hufflepuff except Cedric caught a case of stupid two years ago. I know it was a really stupid notion looking back, and I hope you can forgive us, but I think you can at least understand given the circumstances."

"Yeah, and I even noticed how many wore the support Cedric badges, even you," Harry responded. "-but most of you never accosted me or taunted me with the 'Potter Stinks' part of it, Hannah was one of the ones that did, more than just a couple times, as well."

"I'm sorry Susan, but Hannah is a deal breaker." Hermione explained, much as it disappointed her. She was finding herself becoming more interested in girls by the day, what with Padma's head repeatedly finding it's way between her legs after Harry shagged her rotten, and Susan's bosom was very appealing to her newfound infatuation with breasts.

"Well, thanks for considering me anyway, but I can't betray Hannah like that." Susan said, a bit dejected as the group moved away, for the first time lamenting the ever faithful Hufflepuff loyalty. Her frustration was interrupted by an excited Hannah.

"Hey Sue, was that what I think it was?" Both girls had noticed the circumstances surrounding Harry, starting with his girlfriend Luna, and then the rapid swelling of the number of girls, starting with Hermione. Both knew that Luna was creating a coven, and both wanted in. Of course, seeing her friend's dejected look, she quickly sobered. "What happened? I saw Luna scouting you; I was sure we were a lock."

"I was, but you weren't." She said, gaining a confused look. "You were the deal breaker, Hannah. While they may have ignored it last year as there were much more important things to deal with, apparently Harry hasn't forgotten, nor has he easily forgiven, what you did fourth year as we thought. The fact that you never bothered to apologize bothered him, and he doesn't believe he could realistically be in a relationship with you, even as enamored with my huge boobs as they all obviously are."

Hannah had the good grace to wince at how her screw up had cost her best friend. While she had no doubts being with Harry would be brilliant- especially given the happiness radiating from the four girls- Harry was more of Susan's big crush, because she actually had more of a thing for Neville. Still, Neville was with Megan, and they looked like they might be in for a serious relationship, and tagging along with Susan into a coven centered on Harry was easily just as swell given the promise they'd made as kids. This information was definitely a bummer.

888

"Hello Lydia," Luna said, as her family swiftly relocated to another section of the library, and joined the Slytherin at her table. "How would you like to ride Harry cowgirl while Hermione, Parvati, Padma, and I watch your amazing mams bounce up and down?"

After all, while her tits weren't as huge as say Susan or Millicent, they were still very large. Also, similar to Susan, her smaller frame made them look bigger.

"I...what makes you think I'd just up and do something like that?" Lydia protested. "Or for that matter, that I'd even be interested?"

"Well, you do fancy Harry, and you've had sexually explicit pregnancy fetish dreams about him." Luna said.

Lydia's face turned panicked and redder than the Gryffindor robe trim at the very casual way Luna revealed one of her dirty little secrets. It was even more embarrassing as she'd said it as if it were common knowledge. Which was a very scary prospect if it was. Being a Slytherin, and having such desires being common knowledge was certainly not a good thing as far as safety was concerned.

"Look, Luna, I won't lie to you, I do like Harry, but having naughty dreams about Harry, and actually having sex with him are two entirely different things."

"You know, Harry wants a really big family, so I'm sure he'll be more than happy to indulge your fetish." Luna revealed. "Plus, Harry's got a humongous penis that feels really good, and I bet it can reach deep enough to press right against your cervix as he ejaculates. Combined with his sheer volume, without protection there's almost no chance of you not getting pregnant every time you have sex, unless you're already pupped."

"Really?" Lydia asked, before correcting herself. "Fine, but Harry has to accept a Line Continuation marriage with House Moon. I don't want to put my family's legacy and estate into jeopardy because of poor family management. Also, as soon as we graduate, I refuse to use contraception of any kind for at least the next ten years of our relationship."

"Agreed." Luna said with a smile.

"Fair warning, women in my family are either hair trigger sensitive, or notoriously difficult to get off." Lydia revealed. "Personal experience has shown that I'm very likely to be the former, so please don't judge me."

"That's fine." Luna answered, knowing full well that sensitive girls with pregnancy fetishes tended to react very strongly to being creampied. The girl would likely have one of those fucked silly, mind break experiences like in that naughty comic she had found in her mother's lab. Luna couldn't wait to see if she made the face that went with it too.

"Thanks, so are we doing this here and now, or do you have somewhere else in mind?"

"Depends on whether you mind people seeing you naked, and getting pupped, I guess." Parvati teased.

"Then we'd probably better go somewhere private." Lydia said. "Also, since I'm giving Harry my cherry, we should probably take this opportunity to perform a small ritual."

"I was going to suggest that very thing." Harry's eyes widened.

"So that's why you insisted on drawing those runes every time you bring a new girl in." He exclaimed causing Luna to grin.

"Wait, so you've done this ritual four times already?" Lydia asked. "Just how powerful is he?"

"After tonight, Harry should be able to start making legitimate strides in casting wandless spells as easily as he does with a wand." Luna paused. "Well, if he practices wandless casting like he does with his wand, he should."

A few hours later, a completely jellified Lydia could be found laying in a barely conscious state.

"Merlin, there's so much," Lydia said, feeling fuller than she ever thought possible. "How much did he cum in me?"

"More than enough to put a baby in you without the potion." Parvati teased. "Too bad you're still on birth control, eh?"

Lydia blushed, even as she gave a cute pout more fitting Luna. Damn Snape for figuring out how to make the potion to ease menstrual symptoms a contraceptive as well. Damn Dumbledore for petitioning that this be used in place of the previous potion for the same problem, and damn the Board of Governors for approving of the notion, and insisting that it be implimented immediately.

"So, does the idea of getting preggers really get you off like that?" Harry asked. Blushing, Lydia answered.

"The very idea of having the man I love put me in the pudding club can get me wet and ready faster than any of our bare tits gets you ready."

"Right, then you should be warned that I plan on trying to knock you up as soon as you'll let me," Harry said, earning a shiver from his most endowed girlfriend. "-and I plan on keeping your belly swollen with child as much as humanly possible until you either tell me to stop, or it becomes a health risk."

The Slytherin stiffened, before convulsing harshly in Harry's arms, and finally collapsing bonelessly back against his chest.

"Merlin, I can't believe how hard I just came from you saying that." Lydia moaned. "Fair warning, unless it's in regards to one of the others, or our children down the line, I don't want you to even mention birth control to me...ever."

"So unless you're already there, can we pretty much assume that you're going to get pregnant every time you shag with Harry?" Lydia nodded at Hermione's question. "We're going to need really big house."

"Ten galleons says she has almost as many as Mrs. Weasley before the rest of us even have our first." Parvati teased.

Luna's eyes turned away from the brunette's slightly distended belly to the floor, attempting to conceal a very deep blush. The large, sticky, still growing puddle Lydia's rump was lying in was a testament to how swollen her belly had previously been before spilling out, and running down the crack of her rear, onto the bed. It would seem that the ritual was definitely having an effect on Harry's ejaculation volume, and quite a substantial one at that. While surprised the first time she'd experienced it after adding the twins, she'd kind of liked getting a look at how her tummy would look about halfway through her future pregnancies.

Glancing over to where Hermione was now snogging their boyfriend, and the twins were ganging up on Harry's still very firm endowment, she was also reminded of just how much Harry's stamina, endurance, and recovery had increased with each new addition. There was also the fact that despite being biologically impossible, Harry's volume and potency didn't decrease one bit during each subsequent ejaculation, no matter how many times he ended up cumming in the time it took to fully sate all of his lovers at once.

' _Oh my, things are going to start getting really messy._ ' Luna thought. ' _I wonder if I can convince one of our wives to receive a ten ejaculation bukkake from our Harry._ '

As it turns out, Luna would get her volunteer just nine days later in Hermione. Of course, it was entirely unfair considering she was bent at the waist, with her hands in a white knuckled grip on the table. Harry's tongue was in her crotch, while Lydia's was doing some amazing things to her surprisingly sensitive anus. The twins had each captured one of her nipples, and were absolutely merciless. Luna had then taken the opportunity to whisper a few suggestions into her ear, quickly gaining confirmation...but really, by that point, they could have gotten her to agree to almost anything. And really, starting with Hermione's own greatest personal fantasy of being shagged right and proper by Harry in the Hogwarts Library after hours, and being told that Harry's willy was hers alone for the evening, that was just unfair.

When it came time for Hermione to face the music, she was less than amused at being tricked, but acquiesed that she had promised. Harry, of course, was not happy with Hermione being tricked, and refused to participate unless a concession was made. The concession...they would all face the firing squad. Luna quickly agreed, having already decided she was curious, but had wanted see it first. Each girl would end up with a before and after picture for posterity. Even Harry got hosed down. Though it did take all four girls working together to make Parvati- who was the only projectile squirter of the five- spritz enough times to hose him down like he'd done them; unlike Harry, her fluid volumes were unpredictable and inconsistent. She'd been completely wrecked, dehydrated, and exhausted by then.

After passing out, and waking up the next afternoon hungry enough to match Ron plate for plate at dinner, Harry thanked his Indian lover for being a trooper by giving her a full body massage. Of course, Harry's rather skilled hands had the rather humerous side effect of putting her back to sleep with a toe curling climax. They'd also had to levitate her to another room to sleep, as she'd also soaked her bedding...again.

888888

Omake scenes that I decided not to include

After Ginny and Dean split

"Look guys, I'm not going to lie and say that I don't love Harry." Ginny said. "Nor will I even try to say that I don't want to be with him. I can say, however, that I will not share him; even if it means that I end up losing out on him."

Luna gives her friend a frowning pout, before deciding to use her secret weapon. "Ginevra Molly Weasley, you will be with Harry, and you will share him." Despite Ginny's narrowed eyes, and the shocked looks on the others' faces, Luna didn't budge. However, at hearing the warning tone Harry's voice held as he said her name, she elaborated. "Not because we will force you, but because you have already forced the situation upon yourself. If you will recall, I believe that you pledged your virginity to Harry after he saved you from the Chamber of Secrets." Ginny blushed, for she did remember her declaration to Luna on the train ride home. "Between the Life Debt you owe him- even if Harry would never call it in- and the pledge you made, you will likely never be able to give yourself to another, until Harry has had you first. From personal experience, and witnessing Harry ruin four other girls,"

"My sister and I at the same time." Parvati teasingly interjected, causing Ginny's eyes to widen.

"-I can confidently say that if you are capable of walking away after a night with Harry, then we will allow you to go, and never speak of this again. I will say that if you leave, you will be missing out on something special, and that's not even a subtle hint at the great sex you'll enjoy."

After all, her research into the Potter family magic suggested that Harry's sexual prowess would increase exponentially dependent upon the odds against him. Between the effects the ritual were having on him, and all of his coven coming after him at once, it was almost guaranteed that they'd all be getting quite thoroughly ravished. On top of that, she could just feel that their family was destined to do something great- that surprisingly didn't involve defeating Voldemort- and that it would change the way of life of witches and wizards everywhere.

"Fine, but only because you're probably right about my virginity having to go to Harry." Ginny agreed. ' _And mum did suggest I perform a certain ritual that could help Harry defeat Voldemort._ '

"Good, now strip and make with the sucking and riding of Harry's titanic tallywacker." Hermione ordered playfully, smacking her on the bum.

"Fair warning, I'm extremely sensitive, so if he breaks me, whether mentally or physically, you have to help put me back together." Ginny huffed back earning nods as Lydia was in a similar boat. "You will all owe me for making me borderline gay because I know you're all shagging each other, and I'm not explaining this to my mother."

"That is a reasonable request." Lydia agreed. "Though the Life Debt and your declaration should be enough to curtail even your mum's protests."

"Actually, I don't think it will be necessary." Hermione informed them. "Molly was less than subtle this summer about who she wants her youngest two children to end up with, so Harry getting into Ginny's knickers will probably count as a victory to her."

"You know, you're probably right, especially since Luna's delivery implies that you plan on keeping me." Ginny added, causing Luna to nod eagerly. "I'm willing to bet she'd probably be willing to accept Hermione not being with Ron if she was still connected through Harry and I. Besides, I'm guess that we're all at least planning on two kids a piece down the line, so distracting her with a guarantee of lots of future grandbabies will probably help too. Oh, and my mum was telling me about this ritual-"

"Don't worry Gin, they're already ahead of you." Harry said, gesturing to Padma pulling a bottle of ink, and a paint brush from her bag. She'd been given the duty of inking the runes when it was found that her calligraphy skills were vastly superior to everyone else in their coven.

888

"So?" Luna asked, as Ginny stared almost vacantly up at the canopy of the bed.

"I'm full, and I'm too exhausted to move more than my mouth." Ginny answered hoarsely, trying to ignore the fact that barely a foot away, Hermione was wantonly riding the boy who'd just done her completely in. "But despite all of that, I really wanna do it again."


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: Albus Severus Potter. Enough said.**

 **Future Harry Dupes the Minister Again**

Fudge scowled as Harry Potter entered the courtroom with far more confidence than he should have had; and with good reason. Harry had been busy since the announcement of his impending hearing. He'd visited Hogwarts, and had checked both the library and RoR for any way that a student could be allowed to keep his magic and wand after being expelled. He found that as the only legitimate heir to an Ancient House (and a designated heir to a Most Ancient and Noble House whether he could or would actually inherit) he could not be stripped of anything that would prevent him from assuming his duties when he came of age. Not sure how accurate this was, Harry made copious notes, and questioned Dumbledore, Amelia Bones, and Sirius about it.

Later he had Tonks sneak him out to Diagon Alley, where he sent a high priority letter to several schools about his impending expulsion from Hogwarts due to the trumped up, falsified charges of a petty Minister who had it out for him. It had been a really good idea to send the letters to the Magical Embasies of the two countries, because the two schools had gotten back to him much faster than he expected. The replies from both the Tundrastrider Acadmey north of Toronto and the Illawara Preparatory School (1) near Wollongong in New South Wales had been the same. Not only were his grades not up to par, but it was far too late for him to transfer, as they would also have to arrange a visa and housing for him since he was underage. He'd been informed, however, that should he do well on his OWLs, they would take another look at accepting him at the end of next year.

His next letter to Beauxbatons met with much more favorable news. Rather than asking for a full transfer, instead he asked if it would be possible for him to transfer into Beauxbatons for a year so that he could take his OWLs should the outcome of his trial for underage magic pan out as he expected it to. Seeing that he was being tried like a criminal for underage magic- rather than facing a hearing like he should be- the Deputy Headmaster takes a look at his transcript (as well as questioning some of the students who'd gone to Hogwarts the previous year for the tournament).

While his overall grades were not very impressive, he seemed to do very well on tests, which showed that with the proper motivation, he could be a very good student. He agrees, but on the stipulation that he put effort into his studies. He also let him know that Beauxbatons needed an answer by the fifteenth of August, as all prospective new students were required by French law to attend an orientation that will familiarize the new students with the campus they will be living on ten months out of the year for the next several years. Orientation started on the 20th, was a week long, and they would need to arrange travel for him to attend, as well as a passport. Since he was also a British citizen, and would be living on campus, he would require a trip to the Ministry to apply for dual citizenship.

Oddly enough, all three schools insisted that he choose an elective other than Divination, as it was not offered as a course, rather training was available for those that truly possessed the gift. The only courses available for him to start at that time would be Runes and Arithmancy, and he would be starting with the third years, and should be ready for his OWLs by the time he finished school, at which point he would be allowed to return as a part time student to take NEWT courses.

Fudge pompously runs through the charges, and when he finally asks Harry to speak, Harry just shrugs.

"It really doesn't matter." Harry said, shocking everyone, most especially Dumbledore. "I may not be as smart as Hermione, but I am fairly observant. Given the attitudes of most of the people in power towards anyone not pureblood and the Ministry's position the past few months, I was certain that I wouldn't be getting a fair hearing or trial. Much as my best friend's faith in authority hoped that I'd be wrong, it appears that I was right.

Based on how you changed the time and location of this 'trial', and how surprised you were that I showed up, I'm thinking you were hoping to pass judgment without me ever having a chance to defend myself. That tells me that you've already decided that you're going to expel me, and you've probably had enough people bought off or threatened to get the decision that you want, so it really doesn't even matter whether or not I have a good defense. That's why I've been making contingency plans for my future."

Umbridge couldn't help interrupting him, the glee written all over her face. "But Mr. Potter, standard procedure for Muggleborns is sna-" Harry cut the simpering toad off right there.

"As the _Senior_ Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic, I'm assuming you have a thorough knowledge of the laws in place regarding students. This means that you should be aware that all expelled students- depending on the cause and severity of the issue- are allowed up to one year after expulsion to find alternative means of education, no matter what their supposed blood status. That you are already discussing snapping my wand, and binding my magic tells me that you both are wholly unqualified for you jobs, due to not even knowing the laws you're supposed to be upholding. It also paints you in a very suspicious light; your comments suggesting to me that this administration at least, has made a habit of ignoring the law, and jumping straight to snapping the wands, and binding the magic, of any Muggleborn that's been expelled."

Fudge wasn't taking that lightly. "Now see here-" But he would have to, as Harry wasn't finished.

"This is why I've made arrangements to finish my schooling regardless of whether it's at Hogwarts or elsewhere."

"Elsewhere?" Madam Bones asked, knowing full well what kind of political coup some other school snatching a national celebrity away from Hogwarts would be. The grumbled murmering around the hall suggested she wasn't the only one.

"Through a friend of mine that I met last year during the tournament, I've already talked to the Deputy Headmaster over at Beauxbatons, and have already been granted acceptance should I be expelled from Hogwarts." Harry said, deciding he wasn't going to reveal his full plans. "I would have preferred an English speaking school in the Commonwealth, but I wasn't sure if my communications to Tundrastrider Acadmey north of Toronto or Illawara Preparatory School near Wollongong in New South Wales would pan out in time. This is why it doesn't matter to me whether you expel me, or not. I would appreciate it, however, if you could make a decision with some haste."

"Is there a reason for the rush?" Madam Bones asked. While curious, she also had a feeling that she didn't want to know, but that they needed to.

"New students have to attend orientation from the 20th to the 27th to get acquainted with the chateau and the grounds. There are daily activities and tours for the students so that they know where they're supposed to be come the first day of classes." The schools in Toronto and Australia also had the same for parents so that they could see where their children would be learning. "Because I'm an out of country student, I would need to apply for a French passport and identification so that I won't have to worry about being constantly harrassed when I commute between my summer dwelling and school. Either that, or for dual citizenship so that I could maybe stay in France over the holidays; either way will require a lot of time and paperwork. All of this on top of arranging long term travel plans to make travelling to school easier for me."

Despite the disaster losing Harry Potter to Beauxbatons would be, Dumbledore couldn't help admiring Harry's planning. He also couldn't help thinking that Beauxbatons had a very swell idea. Having the students visit early to get acquainted with the school was a brilliant idea, and he couldn't help kicking himself for not thinking of it. It would certainly benefit the Muggleborn coming in, and if he were able to allow those students' parents a day during the summer to come visit the school their child would be attending, it would ease many of their minds.

"Is that your game?" Fudge accosted him. "Threaten us with leaving the country if we don't give into your demands?"

"Sir, I've made no demands, and for you to accuse me of such paints you as a grown man throwing a tantrum at not getting his way." Harry replied. "All I have done is simply informed you of my plans, and how a quick decision on your parts would allow me to expedite my plans if need be, or to inform Beauxbatons that I won't be attending in the Fall."

"Oh, then what's this threatening to go to another school, hmm?" Fudge snapped, trying and failing to turn the situation back onto Harry, and garner sympathy for his cause. "Hogwarts not good enough for you, then?"

More than one person stared at Fudge as if he'd lost his mind. Considering their current state of being, namely deciding if Harry's attendence at Hogwarts would be continued or aborted, Hogwarts not being good enough didn't even factor in. It was certainly becoming clear what this was to more than a few of the members in attendance. After all, Harry was incorrect in his assumption that Fudge had already bribed or threatened enough people to expel him (this part might be cut depending on whether someone would decide to expel him or not).

"I was just acknowledging that I needed to have other options in place for my education." Harry replied far more calmly than either Fudge or Umbridge felt he should be. "My best friend Hermione has always championed how important a good education was, and while I'm ashamed to admit that it's taken four years for her point to get through, the many adversities I've faced have certainly proven her correct. Besides that, past experience has shown me that people base their interactions with me on public opinion, and public opinion of me is usually swayed by the loudest voice expressing their opinion of me. Last year, it was Rita Skeeter and her tripe in the _Prophet_ and _Witch Weekly_. With all of the things being said about me in the newspaper, your voice has been the loudest one expressing its opinion, and in that vein, the most successful in swaying public opinion of me. As a result of this, the likelihood that I'd need to find another school to finish my education was very high, so I acted accordingly. If I'm not expelled, then I'll be on the Hogwarts Express on the first of September, which I'd actually prefer since all of my friends are there. If I am expelled, I need to inform my new school that I will be needing to make further arrangements, and the sooner I can do that, the better."

"How dare you?" Fudge snapped.

"I'm sorry, but I'm confused." Harry said. "Wasn't my removal from Hogwarts and British Magical society the whole point of this trial? This shouldn't exactly be difficult if you're truly intent on getting rid of me."

888

1\. I chose to name the school based on a rugby team from Australia, and them because their mascot is a dragon.

888

Not sure how this would end, but I'm guessing that despite Harry's sort-of ultimatum, Fudge's cronies and the people that Lucius Malfoy was able to buy off, would carry the day, and Harry would be expelled. Fudge/Umbridge would try and have Harry treated like normal Muggleborns, but Madam Bones or Dumbledore would remind them that what Harry said about students finding alternative education was true (further casting suspicion on Fudge for blaantly violating the law). All students (unless expelled for a serious offense) still had the option of finding another school within a year, before they could consider further action in regards to them.

Once Harry left the Ministry, he would send his letter to Beauxbatons. After telling his friends the news, he would jokingly ensure them that he would keep in touch, unless they wanted to transfer to Beauxbatons with him. I could see Hermione giving it some real thought, as Harry really is her best friend, and without him there, Hogwarts just wouldn't be the same. I also don't think she's secure enough in her friendship with Ron and others at this point to be sure that she wouldn't go back to being alone and friendless like before Hogwarts. I could see her deciding either way.

Inspiration

Heart and Soul by Sillimaure- Ch. 3; hell bent on expelling-led you to believe

Heart and Soul by Sillimaure- Ch. 4; first paragrapgh


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: The Malfoys once again got off with a slap on the wrist despite everything they did. One action by Narcissa does not excuse Draco and Lucius' numerous heinous actions.**

Summary: Hermione decides to teach Ginny/Harry's paramour first hand exactly what being Harry's girlfriend really means.

AN: Fair warning, these are virtually the same scene. For those of you who prefer the canon pairings, the first is with Ginny. The second is for those who don't like the H/G pairing, and wish to substitute for someone else. Also, the default girl is either a Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff since this is still largely based on canon either way, and Harry being with a Slytherin is unlikely so soon after defeating Voldemort.

 **Ginny version**

888

It all started with a scream. Harry was having another nightmare about the war that woke up his dormmates. The boys, already knowing the routine, immediately hopped to. Neville and Ron opened Harry's bedcurtains and pulled back his sheets while Ron calls Kreacher to go wake up Hermione. Dean headed into the bathroom, grabbed a bunch of towels, soaked them in cold water, and brought them back to the room. The three boys then arranged the cold compresses on Harry as best they could. Hermione instructed Kreacher to go wake Ginny as she put on a house coat, before even leaving the dorm and heading over to the boy's dorm. Once there, she sat on Harry's bed, and began stroking his forehead.

"Miss Mione, redhead is telling Kreacher to bugger off." The elf reported moments later.

Hermione gave a huff of annoyance, before telling the boys to keep an eye on him. Stomping down the boys stairs, and back up the girls side to the room she shared with Ginny, Katie, and surprisingly Parvati, Hermione stopped by Ginny's bedside, and cast a silencing bubble around it. That done, she snatched open the bed curtains, and found Ginny lying asleep on her stomach. Pulling back the covers on Ginny's bed, Hermione gained a rather devious smile. Next she raised her right hand as high as she could, before bringing it down harsly on Ginny's exposed backside. Even through her pajama pants, Ginny could feel the full force of the blow.

Ginny gave a startled yelp as her stinging right cheek jerked her into wakefulness, and as she heard Hermione order. "Up Ginevra!"

"Damn it, Hermione," Ginny said loudly. "-what the bloody hell was that for?"

"Stop complaining, you should have come when I sent Kreacher to get you." She said.

"Again, what the bloody hell was that all about?" Ginny protested.

"You told me that you loved Harry, that you wanted to be there for him. Was that a lie?" Hermione asked coldly.

"Of course not." The redhead snapped back, offended that Hermione would think otherwise.

"Then get up." Hermione ordered. "Harry's having a nightmare, so it's time to earn your keep."

"But it's three in the morning." Ginny complained.

"You said that you understood what you were getting into." Hermione reminded her. "Not only that, but you got upset when you found Harry and I in bed together that morning at the Burrow. I believe your argument was that as his girlfriend, you're the one who should be comforting him, was it not? Well, here is your chance to step up to the pitch. If you can't deal, if you're going to abandon him the first time he needs you, then maybe you shouldn't even bother trying to get back together."

With a groan of frustration, Ginny got out of bed, threw on a housecoat, and followed Hermione over to Harry and her brother's dorm room.

As soon as they get arrived, Ginny was shocked when Hermione told her girl to strip down to her bra and panties as she would need as much skin contact as possible.

"But I'm not wearing a bra," Ginny protested. "I never wear one to bed."

"Then I'd suggest you start, because this will work much better without pajamas or nightgowns interfering."

With a blush, Ginny undid the front tie of her housecoat, and shrugged the heavy garment off, laying it on the chair by Harry's bed, and following suit with her teeshirt and pajama pants. She was admittedly embarrassed to be in such a state with two boys and her brother in the room, but found that all but Ron, who's eyes were focused on Harry's condition, had turned away in consideration.

"Okay, there are three ways to do this." Hermione explained. "First, you can roll Harry onto his side, and spoon up against his back; rubbing his chest. The second method, is to snuggle up to his side, one leg draped over his waist, the other wrapped around both his legs, while caressing his chest. Either side works, but I recommend the left as it allows one to be lulled to sleep by the soft thud of Harry's heart against his chest. The third and most effective way, and the one with the quickest results..."

Ron and Dean- who'd already seen at least that much of her when they'd been together her fifth year- helped prop Harry up halfway, and Hermione gestured for Ginny to sit behind him, legs spread, before carefully situating Harry between the young witches legs, leaning his head against her chest. Hermione guided the girl's soft hands so that they wrapped around him, one sliding over his stomach to rest a gentle hand on his waist, the other slithering across his chest and griping lightly at his shoulder. She instructed the girl to pull him back onto her chest, her small breasts flattening against his back as her hair and her breath danced across the skin of his neck. Finally she grabbed ahold of Ginny's splayed legs, and positioned them until they were wrapped around harry's own, her thighs pressed to his hips, and her calves along his inner thighs, pulling his legs apart.

"This is usually the best position until he stops squirming, but he'll still be tense, so caressing his brow works to help him relax back into a more peaceful sleep."

"He's kind of heavy." Ginny grunted a bit.

"Much as I hate to say it, you'll probably get used to it before long, and it won't be much after that that you'll be able to fall asleep with no problem despite the weight. He's usually alright, but it can get really bad around Halloween, the beginning of May, and the end of June, as that's when the worst of his worst memories occurred."

Ginny continued blushing fiercely, not only from the intimate position, but also from the fact that she was still virtually topless in front of Hermione, her brother, Neville, and her ex-boyfriend; her modesty protected only by Harry's head and shoulders. It took almost ten minutes for Harry to calm down- signifying one of his stronger night terrors- during which the bedroom vigilance stayed as alert as they could in case something else happened. Once he had, hermione stood from the bed, and smiled at Ginny.

"Not bad for your first try, but you know that until he decides to talk to someone about things."

Ginny nodded. "And given Harry's tendency to bottle things up, this isn't going to go away any time soon."

"Good night Ginny." Hermione said, before leaning over, and planting a soft to Harry's forehead. "Night Harry, you're in good hands now."

Ginny couldn't help blushing and smiling at the praise. Standing back up, Hermione gave her boyfriend a kiss goodnight, before yawning, and heading back to her own bed. Her brother gave her a searching look, before finally nodding and heading to his own bed. Just before the bed curtains fell to block them from view- courtesy of Neville- she caught Neville and Dean giving her approving nods as well. Shifting to find a more comfortable position, Ginny gave it up as a bad job, before repositioning Harry's pillows behind her, and leaning back against the now cushioned headboard.

88888888

 **Random Paramour version**

888

It all started with a scream. Harry was having another nightmare about the war that woke up his dormmates. The boys, already knowing the routine, immediately hopped to. Neville and Ron opened Harry's bedcurtains and pulled back his sheets while Ron calls Kreacher to go wake up Hermione. Dean headed into the bathroom, grabbed a bunch of towels, soaked them in cold water, and brought them back to the room. The three boys then arranged the cold compresses on Harry as best they could. Hermione instructed Kreacher to go wake Mary Su as she put on a house coat, before even leaving the dorm and heading over to the boy's dorm. Once there, she sat on Harry's bed, and began stroking his forehead.

"Miss Mione, Missy Witch is telling Kreacher to bugger off." The elf reported. Hermione gave a huff of annoyance, before gaining a rather devious smile.

"Kreacher, you have my permission to use Granger wake up protocol three." The elf gave a mimicking smile, before popping away.

"Do I even want to know?" Neville asked, noticing the smile, and Ron's snicker.

"Despite being the letter of punctuality here, Hermione is not exactly a morning person away from Hogwarts." Ron explained. "Harry converted one of the rooms of the place we were using as a base of operations last year into a training room, and we usually spent our mornings in their. Only problem was that Hermione was slow to rise, and kept holding up the sessions. Harry put paid to that when he told her one morning that if she didn't come when Kreacher called, he was going to come wake her up himself, and she wouldn't like it very much."

"And just how did he wake her?" Neville asked, almost sure he didn't want to know,

"He walked into her room, snatched her covers off, and gave her a very firm smack on the arse."

"I can vouch for that." Dean said grinning. "My mum used to do that to us."

"You know, I wouldn't think that either of you would accept something like that, for obviously different reasons." Neville teased.

"Hermione protested at first, until Harry told her it was an equal opportunity wake up call." Ron said. "She took great pleasure in paying him back, and waking me up occasionally."

"And you didn't have a problem with him smacking Hermione on the rear?" Dean asked.

"Not really, except that one time." Ron said blushing. "I still had some fears about the two of them, and the way Hermione woke up almost saw a return of Ron the Git from fourth year."

"What happened?"

"Hermione just so happened to be having a very nice dream that morning, and refused to acknowledge the wake up call." This earned Ron raised brows from the other two boys.

"Let's just say that there are nerve clusters that connect from the clitoris to the bum, and Harry's smack to mine finished me off with quite a bit of gusto." Hermione admitted, shocking everyone at the fact that she was being so candid about something so intimate. For those wondering, being a grown woman, and not being a virgin any longer, there were a lot of things that just didn't phase her anymore; especially after everything she, Harry, and Ron had been through the last year.

Meanwhile, over in the Ravenpuff seventh year dorms, Kreacher stood next to a bed with his right hand as high as he could, before bringing it down harsly on Mary's exposed backside.

Mary Su gave startled yelp as her stinging right cheek jerked her into wakefulness, and as she heard the elf order. "Missy Hermione said gets up!" This was quickly followed by the elf popping away.

"Damn it, Granger," Mary swore loudly, glaring at the space that the elf had formerly occupied. With a groan of annoyance, she got out of bed, threw on a housecoat, and stomp out her dorm door, down the short hallway to the common room, across the common room, out of the door leading to Ravenpuff House, traversed the several flights of stairs to Gryffindor Tower, through the already opened portrait hole that Seamus was holding open, up the boys stairs, and into the dorm of her romantic interest.

"What the hell are you playing at having that elf molest me?" She growled.

"Stop complaining, you should have come when I sent Kreacher to get you the first time." She said.

When Mary looked ready to very loudly protest, and call foul, Hermione figuratively cut her off at the knees. "You told me that you really liked Harry. You said that you wanted to be the one, and that you would be there for him." Hermione's cold tone brought her up short. "Was that a lie?"

"Of course not." The witch snapped back, offended that Hermione would think otherwise.

"Then quit complaining." Hermione ordered. "Harry's having a nightmare, so it's time to earn your keep."

"It's three in the morning," She snapped. "-and you woke me up because of a bad dream?"

"You said that you understood what you were getting into." Hermione taunted her. The mocking tone, and looks of disapproval from the rest of the room's occupants killed whatever else she was going to say. Everyone close to Harry as this girl wanted to be knew that he didn't just have normal nightmares. "Not only that, but you were the one who got all upset when you found Harry and I in bed together that morning awhile back. I believe your argument was that as his girlfriend, you're the one who should be comforting him? Well, here is your chance to step up to the pitch. If you can't deal, if you're going to abandon him the first time he needs you, then you shouldn't even bother trying to go any further with him. I'm sure Ginny would be more than happy to try again with him, and she certainly wouldn't complain about being woken up to take care of Harry."

Knowing that there was nothing else she could say to that, she slumped. "Fine, what do I need to do?"

Hermione told her girl to strip down to her bra and panties as she would need as much skin contact as possible.

"But I'm not wearing a bra," Mary protested. "I never wear one to bed."

"Then I'd suggest you start, because this will work much better without pajamas or nightgowns interfering."

With a blush, Mary Su undid the front tie of her housecoat, and shrugged the heavy garment off, laying it on the chair by Harry's bed, and following suit with her pajamas. She was admittedly embarrassed to be in such a state with three boys, but found that all but Ron, who's eyes were focused on Harry's condition, had turned away in consideration. She was very grateful for that. While she wasn't anywhere near someone like Susan, or the hospitalized Lavender, she was certainly above average, and the attention her recent developments had gotten from the unsavory sorts that had infested the castle the previous year had made her uncomfortable, and carried over to nearly all attention from boys.

"Okay, there are three ways to do this." Hermione explained. "First, you can roll Harry onto his side, and spoon up against his back; rubbing his chest. The second method, is to snuggle up to his side, one leg draped over his waist, the other wrapped around both his legs, while caressing his chest. Either side works, but I recommend the left as it allows one to be lulled to sleep by the soft thud of Harry's heart against his chest. The third and most effective way, and the one with the quickest results..."

Ron and Dean- who'd already seen at least that much of her when they'd been together her fifth year- helped prop Harry up halfway, and Hermione gestured for Mary to sit behind him, legs spread, before carefully situating Harry between the young witches legs, leaning his head against her chest. Hermione guided the girl's soft hands so that they wrapped around him, one sliding over his stomach to rest a gentle hand on his waist, the other slithering across his chest and griping lightly at his shoulder. She instructed the girl to pull him back onto her chest, her semi-large breasts flattening against his back as her hair and her breath danced across the skin of his neck. Finally she grabbed ahold of Mary's splayed legs, and positioned them until they were wrapped around Harry's own, her thighs pressed to his hips, and her calves along his inner thighs, pulling his legs apart.

"This is usually the best position until he stops squirming, but he'll still be tense, so caressing his brow works to help him relax back into a more peaceful sleep."

"He's kind of heavy." Mary Su grunted a bit, shifting to adjust the pressure on her bosom.

"Much as I hate to say it, you'll probably get used to it before long, and it won't be much after that that you'll be able to fall asleep with no problem despite the weight. He's usually alright, but it can get really bad around Halloween, the beginning of May, and the end of June, as that's when the worst of his worst memories occurred."

Mary continued blushing fiercely, not only from the intimate position, but also from the fact that she was still virtually topless in front of Hermione, Ron, Neville, and Dean; her modesty protected only by Harry's head and shoulders. It took almost ten minutes for Harry to calm down- signifying one of his stronger night terrors- during which the bedroom vigilance stayed as alert as they could in case something else happened. Once he had, Hermione stood from the bed, and smiled at her.

"Not bad for your first try, but you know that until he decides to talk to someone about things."

Mary nodded. "And given Harry's tendency to bottle things up, this isn't going to go away any time soon."

"Good night Mary." Hermione said, before leaning over, and planting a soft to Harry's forehead. "Night Harry, you're in good hands now."

Mary Su couldn't help smiling at the praise. Standing back up, Hermione gave her boyfriend a kiss goodnight, before yawning, and heading back to her own bed. Ron gave her a searching look, before finally nodding and heading to his own bed. Just before the bed curtains fell to block them from view- courtesy of Neville- she caught Neville and Dean giving her approving nods as well. Shifting to find a more comfortable position, Mary gave it up as a bad job, before repositioning Harry's pillows behind her, and leaning back against the now cushioned headboard.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Based on what they were so easily convinced to believe, yes, I do believe the inhabitants of Hogwarts would have been fooled completely by Harry and Hermione's act.**

 **I'm depressed and suicidal**

Inspired by Oh You Didn't Know Yeah He's Awesome, by RuRuLaLa, mostly a single line in Ch. 1, "...I'm going to die in 24 days."

 **AN:** This is mostly just a collection of connected scenes of Harry pretending to be suicidally depressed just to fuck with the magical world so they'll leave him alone. Would be interested to see someone take this, and flesh it out. For future reference, the only people I can realistically see being brought into the prank are Luna (who figures things out for herself), and Sirius and maybe Remus, the former who think it's a great prank.

8888

"Harry, did you enter your name into the Goblet of Fire" Dumbledore asked. Harry, already aware that they'd made up their minds on the matter, and concluding that- much like his second year- everyone was going to accuse him of it anyway, decided to just say bugger it.

"Yes, I did." He announced, shocking more than a few people.

"Why would you do such a thing?" Someone, likely McGonagall, asked.

"It was the best way I could think of to kill myself, and still go out fighting." Harry said, straightfaced.

"Why would you want to do that?" Harry didn't know who asked, he was too busy taking in the responses. The looks of horror on everyone's- even Snape's- face were of great interest to Harry. Deciding to have a bit of fun with the arseholes, he decided to keep to that story.

"Every year that I've been here, something has tried to kill me." Harry admitted. "Not only that, but every summer, I still have to go back to the Dursleys. I just can't take it anymore. When I heard about the tournament at the opening feast, I did some research, and found that the reason it was cancelled to begin with was the ridiculously high mortality rate. I figured if I could find my way into the tournament, I could get myself killed, and it would just be chalked up to a tragedy of the tournament; but that's not even the best part."

"What do you mean, that's not the best part?" Cedric asked, shocked beyond belief that Harry Potter had entered himself into the TriWizard Tournament in an effort to get himself killed.

"Oh no, the best part is that the first task has historically involved the champions having to face some kind of dangerous magical creature. So unless the first task is going to be something mundane like krups or kneazles..." Harry's face broke out into a huge grin that scared everyone in the room. "...I'm going to die in 24 days. I'll just have to make sure that Hermione misses the first task. She's been so good to me over the past few years that I don't think I could put her through watching me get brutally slaughtered by something Hagrid would call cuddly. And speaking of, do you think it would be possible for me to visit Gringotts this weekend, headmaster?"

"Any particular reason, Harry?" Dumbledore asked, having a feeling he knew why, but hoping against all hope that he was wrong. Sadly, those hopes were dashed.

"Well, I need to make sure that I've got an up to date will, because I want to leave the bulk of my stuff to Hermione and Ron."

8888

"Hermione, how good an actress are you?" Harry asked later that evening while the rest of the house was having a party over him being a champion.

"Um, why would that matter?"

"Because I need your help convincing everyone that I'm horribly depressed, and inconsolably suicidal." Harry answered.

"I think you'd better explain this to me." Hermione said. As Harry explained what happened in that side room, Hermione resolved to wack her best friend several times for ruining the awe inspiring image of the headmaster and her favorite professor. Honestly, the idiocy of wizards sometimes. Well, if they couldn't tell when Harry was full of it, they deserved to be fooled.

8888

"Harry, why are all of the professors looking at you as if you've done something crazy or tragic?" Hermione asked as the pair arrived quite late for breakfast the next morning to find all eyes on them.

"Because I admitted to them that I was suicidal, and purposefully entered myself into the tournament in an attempt to kill myself."

"What?!" Hermione yelled. "No Harry, you can't do that! You're my best friend, you can't just leave me like that. Please don't do it, Harry. Even if you are depressed, killing yourself by entering the tournament is not the way to deal with it."

What followed was the single greatest, strongest, and most obviously fake Hermione tackle hug in the history of Hermione hugs. It should come as no surprise that every single person in the hall ate it up like most of the crap Rita wrote in her articles. Well, except Luna who thought it was some kind of production the two were putting on to promote the start of a drama club. It was a really clever idea, she thought, to incorporate current events into their story, and she was glad that Hogwarts was putting on a show after the ones Durmstrang and Beauxbatons put on when they arrived. While she felt Hermione's performance was a little too much, Harry was quite brilliant. She would have to see about joining if they ever got permission to start the club. For now, she would just enjoy the performance.

"But Hermione, I just can't take it anymore." Harry fake protested into her bushy locks, wrapping Hermione up in an equally tight hug. "Between the abuse at the Dursleys, the abuse from Snape, the repeated attempts on my life, all the expectations, and everyone accusing me of things that aren't my fault, I can't deal with it anymore. I just want it all to end."

"Don't worry, Harry, I'll help you, I promise." Hermione said. "I'll write to my parents, they'll know what to do. Then we can hopefully deal with this tournament problem. Just promise me that you won't do anything rash until we hear back from my parents. Please, for me."

"O-okay, Hermione." Harry agreed timidly. "For you."

"Alright, let's head back to the common room so I can write my letter, then we can go to the owlry." She said. "You can visit with Hedwig while I send my letter, that should make you feel a little better. After lunch we've got Charms, that should help too since it's such a fun class."

"But what about Potions?" Harry asked.

"Well, considering how things normally go in that class, and that Professor Snape is part of the problem, I don't think it's a good idea for you to place yourself in any situation that could worsen your condition." She lectured. "Now, let's go write that letter, and visit Hedwig. You'd like to visit Hedwig, right?"

"Yeah, visiting Hedwig would be good." Harry was grateful that the mention of his familiar allowed him a small smile. Keeping a straight face after witnessing the reactions to their byplay was becoming difficult.

Up in the owlry, Harry couldn't help the question that escaped. "Okay, who are you, and what have you done with Hermione Granger?"

"What do you mean?" Hermione asked.

"The Hermione I know would never advocate skiving off of class, even if it _is_ Snape's class, and she certainly wouldn't be skiving off of her favorite class, Arithmancy."

"You're the one who wanted to make it believable." Hermione said primly. "Any sane person with two brain cells to rub together would know that you don't leave suicidal people alone, especially in an environment that has so many ways one could off themselves given a few minutes to themselves. They would also know how bad an idea it was to send a suicidally depressed person back into any of the environments that caused the depression in the first place. If you really were that close to suicide, if we'd gone to Potions, unless Professor Snape did a complete 180 in his behavior- which we both know is highly unlikely- then in all likelihood, I'd have lost you during your free period, and wouldn't even know it until I got out of Arithmancy."

"Oh, well...okay."

"Harry, I know you've implied that this is just acting, but I have to know," Hermione broke off, unable to complete the inquiry.

"No, Hermione, I'm not. A little brassed off at everything, sure, but I'm not depressed as far as I'm aware." Harry said. "While I've probably got plenty of reasons to be, growing up the way I did kind of just makes it pointless now, and after the last three years I'm kind of numb to it all by now. I think it would take losing you, Sirius, and Remus to get me to the point I'm pretending to be."

"Oh, thank goodness." Hermione sighed. "I know I'm just playing a part, but given everything that's happened the past few years, this is just a little too real for me in some ways. I think it really would destroy me if I lost you, and I don't know if I'd even want to be a witch anymore because it would be too strong a reminder."

"You know, we could incorporate that into the next scene." Harry said. "Kind of turn it into a bit of a romance story."

"Really, Harry?" Hermione teased. "Are we really turning this into a play, and a romance one, at that?"

"Tell me with a straight face that the chick flick loving hopeless romantic in you didn't just do a fangirl squeel, and I'll drop the idea."

"Okay fine, I'll admit that it could be fun." Hermione grinned. "Just never thought my life would turn out like a cheesy daytime drama."

Harry then blushed. "And if, during the course of our production our pretend romance becomes not so much pretend, I wouldn't have a problem with that at all."

Hermione wasn't quite sure what she thought about actually being Harry's girlfriend, but it was certainly far enough from unpalatable to draw a very strong blush from her as well.

8888

"Why, why do you want me to live so badly?" Harry protested. "Why do you want me to suffer so much?"

"I don't want you to suffer, Harry, but you're all I have." Hermione revealed, hugging him, and burying her face in his chest, looking to be sobbing when in fact she was hiding her amusement. "You're my first, and best friend; and with Ron being an obtuse git, you're my only friend. I worry and fuss so much, because I'm afraid of what my life would be like without you. If you left me, I don't know that I'd want to still be a witch anymore."

Harry hugged Hermione tighter, getting the distinct impression that her words and feelings weren't being completely staged. "I'm sorry I worry you so much, Hermione. I just never had someone cared about me before. You know, someone who fusses over me, rather than at me."

"Of course I care. You're everything to me."

"Okay, I'll try for you, Hermione." Harry agreed, leaning back and staring her in the eyes. "Just, promise you won't leave me. You're all I've got left to live for."

"Never, Harry." She said firmly, before leaning up, and pressing her lips softly against his. While both knew it was coming, and had even scripted out the small romantic byplay, neither had been expecting the soft spark they'd felt when their lips touched, and their faces lit up.

8888

"No Albus, ye cannae send th' lad back there." McGonagall protested, her accent coming out in her distress. The tournament had ended only days before, and McGonagall had been horrified when her colleague had asked her opinion of who should be part of group to look after Harry at Privet Drive.

"Minerva, the blood wards-"

"Sod th' bloody wards!" She snapped, before calming herself. "You saw the way he was the entire year. Between the return of You-Know-Who, and the death of the Diggory boy, if you send him back to those horrible people, I can guarantee you that those wards will be useless, and the lad won't be on the train come next year."

"What do you mean he won't be on the train?" Dumbledore questioned. "Of course he will."

"No, he won't, and you'll have to explain to everyone why the heir of House Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived killed himself." She then turned, and stormed out of his office. As Dumbledore sat back in his chair, he contemplated what had been said, and what he had witnessed throughout the year. He would have to make a point to talk to Harry about his home life before the students left for the summer. If it was really as bad as things were being implied... While it would certainly be a frustrating amount of work along with everything else on his plate now that Voldemort had returned, it would be worth it to keep Harry from harming himself at Privet Drive.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: Despite the plotholes, contradictions, the wasting- and South Park/Indiana Jonesesque- raping of her characters, and fucking ALBUS SEVERUS POTTER, DH still made more sense than Twiight.**

888

Ginny and Harry were curled up on the couch, relaxing when the floo suddenly flared, and Ron came rushing through with a manic look on his face, followed by a bemused Hermione. She'd only just arrived home when she saw her husband end a conversation with his mother, and begin a frantic scramble to floo to Harry and Ginny's place as quickly as possible.

"Hey Harry, are you making the dessert for Christmas?" Ron asked.

"I'd planned on it, yes." Harry said.

"Promise me you'll make-" He was interrupted by his eldest brother.

"Don't do it, Harry." Bill called, rushing through green flames, followed moments later by his- even more amused than her sister-in-law- wife.

"Forget Bill, I was here first." Ron argued.

"Only because mum floo'd you first." The elder redhead retaliated.

"Harry, I'm your best mate." Ron said.

"Don't let him trick you by pulling the best mate card." Bill argued.

"Okay, so what is this argument about?" Hermione asked, sitting in the soft leather recliner that Harry bought just for her.

"'arry's making the dessert for Christmas." Fleur said with a chuckle, taking a seat next to Ginny on the couch. "William and Ronald are both trying to petition him to make their favorite."

Ginny rolled her eyes at the breathy way Fleur said his name. She'd started to overly accent her husband's name shortly after they'd started dating again just to tease him, knowing what it did to him; though she'd be lying if she tried to say she disliked what came after Fleur's prolonged teasing him that way. It was actually amusing how after awhile she'd found herself incapable of not saying his name like she was three seconds away from masturbating, unless she was angry, as she'd- completely on accident- trained herself to do so while teasing him.

"Come on, Harry, who was it who told you to follow your heart, and find your own niche, rather than become an auror like everyone expected you to?" Ron pleaded.

"Yeah, well who was it who took you under his wing, and taught you about runes and warding?" Bill shot back.

"Actually, Hermione was the one who taught me Runes, and even set me up with Professor Babbling to study for my Runes mastery."

"Fair enough, but I did teach you all about warding, and helped get you started as a first class warder, and ward tester, with your own business that's even the major contract holder for Gringotts." Bill said.

"He makes a good point, Ron." Harry teased.

"And what are they arguing for?" Hermione asked.

"Ronald wants 'arry's Reeses cake, while Bill wants 'arry to make his special honey glazed croissants with powdered sugar." Fleur replied, giggling in amusement as Ron and Bill continued trying to one up each other.

"Oh come on, remember when you had that huge row with Gin?" Ron asked. "Whose the one who suggested you throw yourself under the bus, and face the humiliation of begging her to forgive you by way of song in public? Whose the one who told you she'd be more likely to forgive you if you were willing to so completely embarrass yourself to get her back?"

"That's true, and it did lead to some of the best make-up sex I think any bloke has ever had." Harry said, wagging his eyes at his wife, causing her to give him a saucy wink as she blew him a kiss; as well as causing Ron to grimace.

Even if he knew it was happening, Ron was still adverse to hearing about his little sister having sex; especially of the 'Merlin, Harry shagged me so thoroughly, I couldn't move for an hour afterwards, and I was still dripping his spunk for twice as long.' variety. The type that she rather enjoyed openly discussing with the Weasley wives when they got together for their girls nights. While none of the Mrs. Wealeys had any complaints about their own sex lives, or any reason to for that matter, they were all still a little envious of how...thoroughly...Harry seemed to take care of Ginny. Or rather that Ginny's much greater, natural sensitivity caused the insanely great sex they also sometimes got, to be so much more intense and consistent.

"Yeah, but whose the one who suggested the perfect song?" Bill said.

"Again, that was Hermione." Harry said. "I'll admit My Girl was a great song, and when I did it on our anniversary, she rather enjoyed it, but Hermione suggested that I step away from cliche and go with Ain't Too Proud To Beg."

"Bugger, okay, whose the one who helped you learn to carry a tune so that you didn't accidentally chase her away with your singing."

"Oh come on, I wasn't that bad." Harry protested.

"Harry, I love you dearly," Hermione spoke up. "-and while I would call on you first for a lot of things- catering, threatening bigoted beaurocrats into toeing the line, and smacking dark magicals around, for example- you were pretty far down on the list of people I'd want attempting to serenade me. Only my mum was behind you there."

"Does Luna agree?" Harry asked skeptically.

"Yes." Hermione said. "Although she has admitted that you're good enough now that she's willing to attempt a karaoke duet with you."

"Bugger."

It was well known that Hermione and Luna rarely agreed on things, their intrinsic beliefs just differed too much on certain things. However, when they were both in firm agreement on something...well, they had yet to be even close to proven wrong. The closest anyone had ever come was Dumbledore's portrait when he'd mentioned that the business plan that Hermione and Luna had created for his warding business wouldn't bring in much money for at least five to ten years depending upon how good a job Harry did. That had only lasted until Hermione had explained that it wasn't designed as a get rich quick plan, but a long term plan that would net him long term wealth like the Malfoys enjoyed reminding everyone they had, and that it would also help more firmly establish him as a legitimate business. There were a lot of amusing reactions when he gaped, before firmly insisting that they forget he'd said anything.

"Okay, you want to play it like that, old man?" Ron said. "Harry, if you make your chocolate-peanut butter cake thing, I'll let you have Hermione for a night."

"If you make your croissants, then I'll let you have Fleur for an entire weekend." Bill replied without missing a beat, and unwilling to be denied.

Everyone else in the room froze in shock, and just goggled at the two male Weasleys. Finally, eye twitching, Hermione turned to Fleur- who she noticed had only raised a curious brow- and Ginny who was just rolling her eyes at her brothers. "Before I decide whether or not I'm going to curse him, I would like to know if I should be as offended as I am that my loving husband of less than a year just offered me as a one night stand to my best friend for cake."

Ginny smirked before answering. "Well, considering that for one reason or another you've never been able to partake of Harry's special occasion desserts, I'd agree you could be offended at being traded. On the other hand, given what you're being traded for, who you're being traded to, and what you've just been given blanket permission for, I think you should kiss him on the cheek, thank him, and go pack some sexy lingerie and clothes for the morning. I can tell you first hand it's well worth it."

"And neither of you are bothered by this?" Hermione asked, shocked, and more than just a little trying to ignore Ginny once again bragging on how brilliant a lover Harry was. They'd long since gotten the point that the redhead was extremely satisfied with her married sexlife, there was no need for the lucky, ridiculously sensitive bint to keep rubbing in their faces that a fumbling virgin could still manage to shag her rotten.

"No, for two reasons." Fleur said. "First, Ronald and William always seem to lose half of their IQ when 'arry's desserts are involved; though admittedly, this is the first time we've been offered as bargaining chips. Second, considering what I've learned of 'arry during our Girls Nights, and what I'm being traded for, I'd have to agree with Ginny that it's a good deal."

"Hmm, you know, if Harry makes me a personal batch of those croissants, and she promises to make sure that she doesn't accidentally get pupped, I'm willing to disappear for a weekend, and let him have some hot, sweaty fun with a Veela. A batch of that yummy goodness is so worth letting my loving husband find out just why my brother always has that smug, shit-eating grin on his face."

"Um, is this a bad time to mention that I'd already planned to make both so I could try to avoid this kind of situation?" Harry asked. "Sure, seeing them go at it was amusing at first, but now it's just kind of creepy." Bill and Ron stared at him in shock.

"Does this mean that we're both spending the night with Harry?" Hermione teased, finally deciding to just go with it. After all, even if it had been a few years, Harry had always been the poster boy for not normal, and this could realistically be categorized as such, right?

"Non, I get 'arry for an entire weekend." Fleur teased back, grinning at the way Harry visibly twitched this time when she'd said his name in that teasing, breathy manner. Ginny was so going to owe her a favor.

"Well, I'm going to be away for a few days for a road game against the Wanderers next weekend." Ginny piped up, not wanting to let the joke go just yet. "I'm sure Harry would appreciate the company while I'm gone."

"Meh, sure, why not?" Harry said, shocking everyone. "Fleur, if you bring Victoire, then I'll get Teddy for the weekend, and show you a quick way to consistently tire out a three year old, and get her to go to bed when you're ready for her to. I'll also teach you how to make the first version of my special croissants, the ones you said were too fattening."

"No fair." Fleur protested pouting, almost like she was channeling Luna and her sister Gabrielle.

"Well, I have to make sure that you don't change your family's diet to nothing but sweet, syrupy croissants, now don't I?" Fleur just huffed. "Hermione, bring your reports and things from work, and I'll show you how to decode the language of snotty pureblood beaurocrats. I'll also show you how to filter through all of the BS to get to the relevant stuff."

"Harry, I understand what you're doing, but you do realize that showing me that will probably make me _want_ to shag you senseless in thanks?" Hermione asked. "And Ron would probably let me, probably even _insist_ on it."

Ron's slight shrug of, ' _She's not totally wrong_ ,' confirmed that he'd probably consider it.

Given the number of people in their family that worked for the Ministry, and the numerous complaints they'd shared about pointless legalese, no one in the room had any doubts that what she'd said was true. It was also a point of debate at whether or not the Weasley men would allow it. Arthur had even been banished to his shed for a few nights when he admitted that he could easily see himself legitimately considering it. After twenty years of dealing with it, no one could really blame him.

"I doubt it." Harry said. "Trust me, wading through some of the sheer stupidity that you're guaranteed to find is mentally exhausting. Seriously, when I first cracked the code, I was boggled by how much parchment was wasted on a ten page report that could have been summed up in a page and a half. By the time we're done, the only thing you'll be in the mood for is a nice cup of tea, a headache relief potion, and some sleep. Oh, and no teaching your husbands what I show you; that's their punishment for trading my sisters for sweets." At least not until he felt they'd learned their lesson.

Both Bill and Ron started to sulk, especially Ron as he hated having to wade through the beaurocratic red tape that was procurring a warrant. It was no wonder that the Auror department was geared more toward catching criminals who'd already committed enough crimes to be labeled a serious threat, rather than preventing them from becoming serial criminals.

"Well, now that that issue has been settled," Ginny started, a devious grin on her face. "-and Fleur's repeated reciting of my husband's name has gotten him nice and riled up, can you all please leave. I would very much like to get back to the cuddling with my husband that will hopefully result in the upper half of my body being draped over the arm of this couch while my studly man plows me into a sex coma. And before you say it, Hermione, yes I'm a total slag, and I have no remourse for that fact. Besides, it's only for my husband, and I'm not any less a slag than you or Fleur when either of you get going with your men."

"Well, I cannot deny that." Fleur said, grinning saucily at her blushing husband.

Really, she didn't understand why the Weasley sons were so bothered by hearing that their little sister had absolutely nothing to worry about in her sex life. It wasn't Ginny's fault that all of Arthur's children married a spouse who was their sexual superior, had a very healthy libido, and who enjoyed routinely shagging them senseless. It was just a luck of the draw that gender didn't play any role in the sexually superior spouse situation in Ginny's case. While she'd never say it out loud, and she really had no intention of experiencing it for herself, Fleur had to admit that she was _very_ interested in just observing Harry and Ginny together. Not making love, of course, but down and dirty, all cards on the table going for it. Just to see some of the things Ginny loved bragging about would be quite lovely. She was sure that Bill would appreciate the state she returned home in.

And it wouldn't hurt that her mischievous side thought casually dropping hints about exactly what Harry could do to Ginny, and seeing her husband's reaction would be amusing.

On a side note, when Harry taught Hermione how to wade through the the beaurocratic BS, she'd had to restrain herself from jumping him and snogging him senseless. After all, learning to read, decipher, take full notes on, and write/file her own reports on the documents that came across her desk in a half hour- when it usually took that long just for the former two points- was a great help. Oddly enough, when Ron had been deemed to have learned his lesson, and Hermione taught him how to do it, he would insist that she snog Harry for ten minutes in thanks...and not just some normal, innocent kiss, but a full on, proper snog (1).

888

1\. Just imagine having it be your job to decipher extremely complicated, blatantly prejudiced and bigoted legalese, and you having to make thorough notes for your boss...every day, for years.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: These have been sitting around for awhile now, but unlike dogbertcarroll, I don't rate my own personal team of typists to speed up production.**

 **Movie Time**

The following preview has been rated PG-13

88888888

"Give me one good reason why I should support the Ministry in anything." Harry said.

"Mr. Potter, the Ministry has only ever done what's in the best interest of its citizens." Umbridge broke in in her grating, annoying voice.

"Oh, like that legislation that you drafted for werewolves?" Harry asked. "Most of them are just your average bloke or bird trying to make their way in life while being infected with what could be deemed the magical version of bloody Cancer. Not only that, but they are just ordinary men and women for 29 days out of the month, and yet you draft your laws based on the few hours that they get furry and cranky. Sorry, but I'm going to have to call bullshite in the face of such blatantly obvious bigotry."

"Now Mr. Potter-"

"Seriously, what the fuck is your problem with werewolves?" Harry asked. "Most of them are just your average bloke or bird trying to make their way in life while being infected with what could be deemed the magical version of bloody Cancer. Not only that, but they are just ordinary men and women for 29 days out of the month, and all you people can think and bitch about is the few hours that they get furry and cranky."

888

Years later, once prophecy was fulfilled, and it became clear that Magical Britain's status quo had not, and never would change, Harry and Hermione lead an exodus from magical Britain, giving the purebloods the society that they dreamed of. They will leave the magical world behind, or perhaps draft like minded individuals with a more modern and liberal mindset to found their own settlement away from intolerance and bigotry. They could even inform the prime minister and queen, and set themselves up as an independent nation under her authority like muggle Britain. They doubt everyone wants to be trapped in a society that refuses to advance.

88888888

The following preview has been rated PG

88888888

"Headmaster, not to question long standing tradition, but wouldn't it be more efficient if the Prefects were required to arrive at the station at least twenty minutes before the students were set to arrive?" Harry asked. "This way, they could have their meeting and be finished in time to help monitor boarding, as well as help new students. It might also help to have one of the upper year Muggleborn students waiting on the Muggle side of the barrier to help first years with a Muggle background find the platform."

"Hmm, those are very good ideas." Dumbledore said. "May I ask what brought this on?"

"No offense, but I always thought it was kind of stupid to have the Prefects meeting turing the first part of the train ride." Harry said, earning a frown. "Think about it, all of the people tasked with keeping order on the train- Head Students and Prefects- are locked away for up to twenty minutes. Everyone knows when the meeting is, so it wouldn't be hard for a few rambunctious students to sow a bit of chaos while there's no supervision."

"Really Mr. Potter," McGonagall said. "How much trouble can you possibly get into in twenty minutes?"

"Is that a challenge?" He asked. "Sir, with your permission, I'd like to give a demonstration."

"Please."

"Five minutes, GO!" Suddenly, several people jumped up and began casting charms, hexes, and transfigurations all over the place. By the time Harry called them to a halt five minutes later, the room was in chaos. "And that was just five minutes, and a half hour of brainstorming. Imagine what could be done with an entire summer of planning, and another fifteen minutes. Or better yet, consider what Fred and George could have pulled in that amount of time."

"I think maybe there will be some changes on the express in the near future." Dumbledore said from behind his now electric yellow beard, courtesy of Luna Lovegood. The disturbing thing to Harry, was that it actually matched in with the color scheme of his robes; and they hadn't been touched by any spells at all.

88888888

The following preview has been rated PG-13

88888888

"Harry, darling, how about an interview for the Daily Prophet?" Rita asked in that typical, oily tabloid reporter tone.

"No." Harry replied without hesitation.

"But Harry, you're the hot topic these days." She tried to convince him. "Everyone wants to know about you. Where you've been, what you've been up to."

"Do you really?"

"Of c-"

"That was a rhetorical question." Harry snapped. "As I was saying, do you really care about me, or the other champions, or are you using this tournament as an excuse to search for your next embellished scandal? Do your readers really care about the issues, or are the sheep that read your trash just a bunch of gossip whores only interested in seeing you tear some poor undeserving schmuck's reputation to shreds for no other reason than because you can?"

"The public has a right to know." Rita spat, using her end all excuse for ruining peoples reputations and lives with her articles.

"Oh really, and what gives you that right?" Harry asked. "Tell me Miss Skeeter, what right does the public have to me and my life?"

"Oh Harry dear," Rita said, as if speaking to a particularly ignorant child. "-you're the top celebrity in our world, of course the people want to know about you. As the biggest cultural icon of the age, the people should always be kept abreast of what you're up to."

"You know what, I've changed my mind, I think I will give you an interview. Oh, and feel free to quote me verbatim."

"Really?" Rita said, excited. "Excellent. Now the first thing my readers want to know."

"Your questions and your readers are irrelavent, so shut up and listen." Harry growled. "Now tell me, what were you doing in the days after Voldemort was vanquished? Were you out celebrating the defeat of the dreaded Dark Lord? I bet you were. I bet you were out having yourself a good old time, happy in the knowledge that You-Know-Who was gone, and that you'd survived.

Tell me, in all that celebrating, did you even once consider the couple whose lives were sacrificed to bring about that defeat? Did you even once think about the poor baby who was left an orphan, and what might become of him? You all like to claim that I'm the BWL, a celebrity, and the savior of the wizarding world, and you personally like to use this excuse to snoop around into my life, but did any of you care enough about your supposed savior to inquire about what happened to him, or if he was even all right?

As a matter of fact, did you give any thought or consideration to any of the children left orphaned by Voldemort and the sick bastards that did his bidding? No, you were too busy out partying and celebrating, so do not give me that crap about the the public having any rights as it pertains to me."

88888888

 **Alternative Horcrux Management**

The following Preview has been rated PG-13

How can one become a master of sex while defeating Voldemort? Harry finds out when he asks Fleur a completely random, and highly inappropriate question.

888

"Hey Fleur, can Veela magic kill a Horcrux in a living vessel?" Harry asked.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"Well, since Veela magic is all about love, and Horcruxes are made from acts of hatred, I figured they might help."

"'arry, Veela magic is indeed steeped in love and sensuality, but it is the feelings and desires gained from such acts, and the desire to experience them that is affected, not the emotions themselves." She lectured. "'owever, I will ask my grandmother to make sure."

888

In an odd twist. Harry found out that yes, Veela magic could help to destroy a living Horcrux, but not all at once. He's also warned that the only way to destroy a Horcrux in a living vessel is to slowly break it down until there is nothing left of it. The vessel would also have to be overwhelmed by the Veela aura for that to even work. That meant that Harry would have to have sex multiple times with a Veela while she bombarded him with the full extent of her aura if he wanted to use Veela magic to kill it. The only problem with the plan, was that he could easily lose his mind from such exposure.

"Let's see, risking letting Voldemort cast a Killing Curse at me just so the Horcrux can be destroyed, or letting a Veela literally shag me braindead." Harry said. "The possibility of death by Voldemort, or losing my mind by way of overexposure to allure while having sex with a Veela. Both kill the Horcrux, and both carry risks that I may or may not recover from, is this really so hard a decision to make?"

"Well, when you put it like that, no, it's not." Bill said, grinning.

888

Days later, when Harry was introduced to Isabelle Beaucourt, he had no idea that the beautiful woman who was about to shag his unwanted Horcrux to death, would end up becoming the woman he would spend his life with.

88888888

And now, for your feature presentation.

88888888

 **Birthday Snogs**

Post DH, and no, neither Dobby nor Hedwig died. Harry showed some intelligence, and sent Hedwig to the Burrow early, and Bellatrix's dagger hit nothing but air.

888

"Dobby, Kreacher, do Crumple Horned Snorkacks exist?" Harry asked as the two popped in answering his call.

"Dobby isn't sure, but Dobby knows how to find out." Dobby answered. "If they is existing, Dobby and Kreacher be finding them." To Harry's surprise, Kreacher gave an emphatic nod of agreement.

A few days later, Harry found with some peaceful solitude while Hermione and Ron tried to explore their fledgeling relationship. Considering their continued bickering and frustration with each other, that was only interrupted by occasional snogging, Harry guessed they'd have things figured out soon enough. Whether the relationship ran its course, or they worked things out, he was sure things would be resolved by the time they finished Hogwarts. As he went back to reading Hogwarts: A History- and he would forever maintain that Hermione had conned him into it- his solitude was interrupted by two near simultaneous pops.

"Harry Potter, sir, Dobby and Kreacher be finding the Crumply Horny Snork." Harry tried to hold in his amusement at the extreme botching of the creatures name, as well as his shock that the creature actually existed. Still, the thought that this would be the best damn birthday present that he could get for Luna, decided things for him.

"Then I want you to bring me one, unless it's too dangerous a creature, then a few pictures will suffice." Harry said. "If it's not, and you can manage it, I want a breeding pair."

"Dobby and Kreacher will do." Kreacher said.

Snapping off a sharp salute, Harry smartly spoke. "First lieutenant Dobby, Sergeant Kreacher, godspeed, gentlemen, and good luck." Both elves returned the salute, before Dobby gathered their hunting supplies with a snap of his fingers. With a snap of his fingers, Kreacher changes their clothes into the desert fatigues of the British Muggle army. Judging by that alone, Harry now understood why the Lovegoods had never found one. They'd been searching in entirely the wrong climate.

888

Seeming to understand his desire for secrecy, Dobby and Kreacher once again found him alone reading Hogwarts: A History. Given the page that he was staring at, and the several dozen after it that he'd discovered during his first readthrough, Harry reasoned he now understood why this was Hermione's favorite book. Noticing his company, Harry bookmarked and closed his book, and gave them his attention. Upon seeing the cage Dobby was holding up with pride, the young wizard couldn't help staring.

Harry found himself rather intrigued by the softly dozing creatures in the cage. They were about the size of a niffler, with tanned scales covering its body. It carried itself on spindly arms and legs ending in paws with very long fingers. The head was dome shaped with small, bat-like ears, and a long snout similar to that of a niffler. The trademark crumbled horn was situated right on the top of its head, but angled backwards towards its rear. Almost as if it realized it was being stared at, the Snorkack he was examining opened its eyes, and stared at him. The dark, slanted eyes studied him curiously for a moment, before the long, thin pink tongue of one of them slipped between he bars and brushed against his hand. Before the creature settled back down to sleep with a soft purr, Harry could have sworn he saw a twinkle in its eyes that reminded him of Dumbledore.

Harry thanked the two profusely, earning two beaming smiles from the pair. Upon getting agreement from Dobby to place the gift on Luna's trunk the night before her birthday after she went to bed, and for Kreacher to grab a few of the basic necessities for taking care of her new pets, he dismissed them to whatever held their interests. While Kreacher had left immediately to carry out his new task, Harry noticed that Dobby had hung back.

"What's up, Dobby?"

"Harry Potter sir, can Dobby be keeping the uniform?" The elf asked. "Dobby be liking the colors and pockets, and Dobby can even wear Dobby's socks."

"Of course you can." Dobby smiled wide, before he too disappeared with a pop.

888

Luna Lovegood woke up to a sound that resembled a loud, shrill shriek the morning of her birthday. Grabbing her wand, she began searching for the danger, only to discover that the thing that caused the screams were a pair of caged creatures sitting on top of her trunk. Her face lit up in embarrassment upon seeing what the pair of caged creatures were doing without a care of their audience. Sitting on top of the bouncing cage was a letter. Picking it up, and noticing the familiar messy scrawl of her friend, she read.

 _Luna,_

 _Never let anyone tell you that you're crazy for believing in the unseen. Sometimes you just have to have faith. In case you're wondering, the two creatures in the cage are a breedable pair of Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. The reason you couldn't find them, is because you were searching in the wrong climate. Snorkacks are creatures that prefer warmer, dryer climates, like the plains of Africa, so we'll probably have to build them an enclosure so that they don't suffer the harsh, cold winters of Scotland. Remember, anything is possible if you believe hard enough._

 _Happy Birthday!_

 _Harry_

 _P.s. Feel free to lord this over everyone who called you Loony._

Making quick work of her morning routine, Luna checked on her present- blushing at the fact that they were still going strong in their coitus- before quickly making her way out of the dorms. Upon reaching the Great Hall, Luna walked up to Harry, and tapped him on the shoulder.

Turning, Harry gave her a grin. "Happy Birthday Luna, how has your morning been?"

In answer, she cupped his cheeks, and snogged him silly.

"Luna!" Someone exclaimed, but Harry was far too distracted by soft lips, and a viking of a tongue ransacking his mouth to find out or care. Who knew Luna was such a brilliant kisser? Far too soon for his liking, the lips and tongue went away.

"Not that I don't appreciate it, but what was that for?" Harry asked, a silly grin on his face.

"You know what it was for." She said, her face oddly determined.

"Right, so where are your two new friends?" Harry asked.

"Well, since you did get me a pair, they're a little...busy." Luna said, blushing. Before Harry could ask, they were interrupted.

"Not that I don't appreciate young love, but I must say, that was a highly unusual action on your part, Miss Lovegood." Flitwick said. "And quite an inappropriate display for public consumption, especially at breakfast."

"I'm sorry Professor, but Harry just gave me the best birthday present I've ever received." She said, earning an eyebrow raise. "Harry found me a breeding pair of Crumple-Horned Snorkacks."

Knowing just how much finding that species had meant to both the girl, and her parents, the excitable professor could only gulp. In point of fact, the girl could have vanished both of their clothes, and shagged the boy on the head table, and an argument still could have been made in her favor about complete propriety. "Then may I suggest you take your thanks somewhere a little more private, and be sure to remember your contraceptive."

Blushing, Luna replied. "I don't think that will be necessary, sir. Though I'll probably end up snogging Harry several times a day until my happiness and excitement wears off."

"I'm glad that you liked your gift Luna." Harry said, wondering if it was wrong that he hoped her happiness and excitement didn't wear off anytime soon. "I guess I should also probably avoid dating for the foreseeable future as I don't think a girlfriend would appreciate that."

Blushing again, she kissed Harry lightly on the lips. "I should probably warn you that once he finds out, daddy will probably insist that I marry you."

"Is it wrong that I can't seem to find any problem with that aside from whether you want to, or not?" Harry asked.

"That's just the kiss talking, Harry." Luna said. "Although I appreciate the compliment."

888

A little over a week later, Harry received a large parchment envelope, from Hedwig, only to have it snatched away by Luna upon recognizing the official parchment her father used for advertisement contracts with the businesses who used the Quibbler.

"Luna, is there a reason why you're stealing my mail?" Harry asked, willing to give the girl the benefit of doubt. Luna rarely ever did things without a reason, even if some of them he didn't understand.

"Do you remember the other day when I told you that daddy would insist I marry you for finding us not only a Snorkack, but a breeding pair?" Harry nodded, to which Luna opened the package. "Just as I thought, a standard Betrothal Clause Questionaire."

Seeing Hermione react in shock, and Ginny, Neville, and Ron react with amusement, he turned to his best friend. "Care to explain this in a way that makes sense to me?"

"It's basically a survey you fill out to help determine the terms of a betrothal contract." Hermione explained. "It wasn't used very often, as most parents who used those contracts just decided the terms of their chlidren's betrothals themselves."

"Yes, well the Lovegood contract is a little more personally invasive, as it also covers terms for events up to, and including the wedding night." She admitted with a blush. "I snuck a peak at my parents' contract, and there was even a section dedicated to required sexual kinks and positions that would be explored during the honeymoon. That was certainly a lot more than I wanted to know about my parent's intimacy practices; especially my mum's more unorthodox kinks."

888

 **An unashamedly H/Hr/L Omake**

"Did Harry really find you a pair of Snorkacks?" Hermione asked.

"Why yes, yes he did." Luna answered, causing the girl to pale.

"Oh bugger." She said, earning a shocked look from both Luna and Harry. "Well, I kind of made a magical vow envolving naughty stuff, and enslaving myself if I ever saw proof of a Snorkack."

"Oh god, please tell me you didn't do something crazy like vowing to sexually enslave yourself to Malfoy." Harry pleaded.

"Not to Malfoy, no."

"You vowed to sexually enslave yourself to Harry?" Luna asked, and Hermione's blush deepened. "Did you at least give yourself a safe timelimit?"

"Yes, but..." She admitted. "-well, I might have also vowed that my enslavement would only end once I'd completed my rather lengthy list of sexual activities and kinks to try out with him. It's...a really long list, and the last item...well, lets just say that Harry won't be the last Potter once my list is complete."

"Bugger." Harry groaned.

"That's actually number nine on my list." Hermione replied. ' _And if Ginny hadn't just been teasing me about seeing Harry in the locker room after Quidditch practice, I won't be able to sit comfortably for at least a week afterwards._ '

"Wait, didn't you say if you saw proof? If you don't see them, then it won't work, and I won't have to take you as a slave, right." Harry asked, before noting Hermione's hurt look. Even if she didn't want to be a slave, it still hurt to just be dismissed. "Nothing against you, Hermione, but do you honestly think I'd feel comfortable with a sex slave, especially one who's my best friend. Even if you are very attractive, it's just not right."

"Harry, I want this as little as you, but let's be honest here." She said. "Knowing your luck, and based on everything that's happened to us the past several years, what do you think our chances are of the conditions involving my vow not coming to pass?"

"So I should just accept it now, and we try and work through the list as quickly as you're comfortable with?" Harry asked.

"Given the nature of the vow itself, I cannot outright refuse your advances, especially if the item is on my list." Hermione said. "The best I could do is ask you if we could postpone being together for a later time."

"Okay, that's good to know, so that I don't accidentally force you into anything." Harry said.

"Harry, my last item is becoming a mother." She said, causing Harry's eyes to widen. "So, unless you're absolutely sure you're ready to become a father, this is something that we're going to be dealing with for awhile."

"Oh goody, I was hoping to find out if you were truly a prude, or just repressed." Luna said. "Oh, and don't tell Ginny I said this, but if you want to stick around after your vow is completed, I wouldn't mind sharing with you."


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: This one is a train wreck, I only posted it, because I got sick of looking at it on my save file.**

88888888

"Honestly, I think you two are all wrong for each other." Harry said, earning a frown from Hermione, and narrowed eyes from Ron.

"But everyone says that we bicker like an old married couple." Ron protested. "Shouldn't that mean something?"

"Yeah, you two do bicker like an old married couple, and it should mean something." Harry said. "It should mean that this is a disaster waiting to happen."

"Harry-" Hermione started.

"Ron, Hermione, think about this for a second." Harry said. "Yes, old married couples bicker, but they start out much differently. They start out all lovey dovey, and work their way up to the endearing bickering you two are infamous for. If you're starting out like that, I shudder to think what you'll be like when you do reach that stage, or even a few years from now. Remember, you two get on each other's nerves a lot, but you also have me as a buffer most of the time to keep things getting too out of hand.

When you two really get into it, and can't stand to be around each other, I'm the one playing mediator. I'm the one who spends time with you separately. I'm the one who distracts the two of you from each other's more annoying habits since they don't really bother me. If you two get together, I'm sure you won't want me there constantly standing in the middle of your relationship, but that would mean that it will be just the two of you, and you'll be exposed to everything my presence blocks. You'll have to learn to deal with things on your own, and to be honest, there's too much you don't realize for you to end up doing more than ruining the friendship that you do have."

"I would have thought you'd be happy for us, Harry." Hermione accused.

"If I thought there was a chance that you could make it, I would be." Harry said. "But you two asked for an honest opinion, and that's it. Not only that, but despite all of the bickering, there is a line that is never crossed. Bickering married couples don't go at each other trying to hurt the other's feelings like you two do sometimes when you're really going at it. I'll even admit that part of my reasoning for discouraging you two is selfish, in that a blow up between you two would be horrible, and I don't want to lose my two best friends because you didn't work. But seriously, anyone who thinks that you'll be a good couple is delusional, and obviously doesn't know you very well."

"My mum thinks we'll work." Ron argued.

"Yes, and the Boy Who Lived obsession your sister had for almost ten years was cultivated and encouraged by your mum as well." Harry reminded him. "She also tried to shelter you and Ginny from things you both really needed to see, hear, and learn to grow and mature into responsible adults. I think she was too singularly focused on a good boy for Ginny, and someone who'd help your emotional development that she never considered everything wrong with the pairings she wanted. I also don't think she was paying much attention to how much her smothering was stunting your growth. Just being friends with Hermione without her causing you to backslide over the summers would have helped. She's a great mum, no doubt, but because of what happened to her brothers, her tendency to try and control every aspect of your lives in order to protect you didn't help you develop unprotected life experiences."

"Y'know, I really hate it when you're all logical like this." Ron said, sulking slightly. "You make far too much sense to simply ignore like Hermione who uses words I don't understand."

"So I'm guessing from what you said that you and Ginny aren't getting back together." Hermione asked.

"When I broke up with her, she had the nerve to tell me that she knew I wouldn't be happy unless I was chasing Voldemort, and that's the reason she liked me so much." Both Ron and Hermione winced.

"Look, if you two don't get back together, you have my support, and I'll back you up." Ron said.

"I thought she'd finally learned to separate you from the BWL." Hermione groaned.

"You do know my mum is going to sulk for weeks, right?" Ron said, to which Harry nodded. "This also means that you're marrying Hermione."

"Really?" Harry said. "Personally, I'm not sure we'll work out either. I mean, Hermione and I are close, she's practically my whole world in a sense, but I don't think that our feelings for each other would make a relationship work."

"We'll just have to work it out, like you said before." Hermione told him, cheekily grinning. "I've had this gut feeling that I was going to marry my best friend since I first started having certain urges. When we became friends, I knew I'd most likely marry one of you. Since you've pretty much spelled out how disastrous me and Ron trying to get together would be, that makes you my future husband by default."

"Nothing less than what you deserve, mate." Ron teased.

"Is that supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing?" Hermione asked, her tone slightly sinister.

Ron made to answer, but paused, and thought about it. "Actually, I think it's a bit of both."


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I got lost on the road of life...send nudes.**

88888888

"You know Voldemort, there's a way that you can get your pure society without getting rid of the Muggleborn; at least the way you were doing it. Not only that, but it will impove your image in the eyes of the people you wish to control."

"Oh, and how would that work, Potter?" Voldemort taunted.

"By providing them with incentives to leave." Harry said.

Voldemort smirked. "I thought that's what we were doing."

"True, but you're also turning all but that most extreme purists against you." Harry said. "My way will get even most of the 'light' siders on your side."

"Do tell." Voldemort questioned, now curious despite his loathing for this brat.

"Provide them with every opportunity to succeed," Harry paused, and just when it looked the evil wizard was about to protest, Harry continued. "-overseas. Don't discourage them from joining our society. Welcome them, educate them, inspire them to be the best they can. When they've excelled in their magical studies, and are poised to make a name for themselves in a successful career, offer them further educational, job, and life advancement opportunities that will almost require or guarantee that they have to leave the country. And the best part is, that you can even use their own lack of purity, knowledge of the culture, and difficulty to fit in to convince them and the people in charge to go along with this.

Since nonpurebloods don't understand culture as much, and since they don't have the connections to really get ahead, wouldn't it be fitting to have a special trust that would help them succeed. Is it the Ministry's fault that all of these opportunities seem to require them to relocate to other countries? Not only do you purify magical Britain, but you also come off as the benevolent leader trying to better our society, rather than the psychotic terrorist trying to destroy it. It'll also help to preserve the few pureblood lines left. After all, your current tactics could lead to the end of the Potters, Boneses, Longbottoms, and several other old, prominent families."

"And just where do you fit in, Potter?" Voldemort asked. "And why would you suggest something like this?"

"Well, if such a cause existed, I wouldn't mind both taking advantage of it, or donating to it." Harry replied. "As for why...well, first and foremost, according to a certain prophecy, if we decide to avoid each other, then neither of us has to worry about what it says is in our future. The second reason is Hermione Granger, plain and simple. Hermione is my best friend, and easily the top of our year. While she lacks your power, I'm fairly certain she could rival you in sheer talent and potential. Unfortunately, because of the current political climate, her intelligence and abilities would be wasted in a low level position, likely as some idiot pureblood's massively over-qualified secretary, just because she's a Muggleborn. Not only that, but your current MO means her life is in as much danger as her future career prospects."

"You love this girl, don't you?"

"I do." Harry admitted. "Not romantically mind you, but Hermione has been there for me through just about everything. She loved me, cared for me, and stuck by me when the popular trend was to vilify me. I wish to repay that kindness, and this is my way of doing that. Besides, given some of the people you've had to deal with, even you have to admit that a mind like her's is a terrible thing to waste in the long run."

"Hmph," Voldemort gave a cruel smile. "-I must say Potter, that you surprise me. Despite the colors you wear, you would have made a very good Slytherin."

"I've heard that before," Harry admitted. "-but to be honest, I just didn't want to be rooming with a git like Draco Malfoy, so I told the hat Gryffindor."

"This will be a hard sell to some of my followers." Voldemort said.

"If they are truly in this for the purifying of your culture, then they'll more than likely jump on board." Harry said. "Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, the Carrows, maybe even Bellatrix if you can fix her insanity, are in it for the culture; and finding out how big an image and ego 'sponsoring a mudblood' is likely to give them, I'd daresay most of your wealthy followers will be jumping at the chance to get in on the action. Sadists like McNair, the Lestrange brothers, and Dolohov will be the ones who try to resist. If you like, I might be of help to you pruning some of these rotten branches. As a matter of fact, I've got a personal bone to pick with the latter, and would gladly deal with him if he gives you grief."

"Then we have an accord." Voldemort said.

"I have to admit that I'm impressed, however reluctantly." Harry said. "A halfblood duping the 'Pureblood Elite' into doing what he wants with their very ideals. To think that anyone would actually believe that crap is ludicrous."

"Is that so, Potter?" The chilly tone to the older wizard's voice stopped Harry cold.

"You know what, forget I said anything." And here he was thinking that Tom was more intelligent than that.

This time last year, the most powerful and skilled wizard in Britain was a halfblood. Whether one believed that to be Voldemort or Dumbledore didn't matter. If he'd lived up to his potential, instead of down to Ron Weasleys level, then that would have been the top three. Should anyone bother to do the research, they'd find that the average Muggleborn had a half again higher magical potential than the average Pureblood, and halfbloods are almost double under the same circumstances. Then again, most Purebloods were too lazy, and content to sit on the social moors that allowed them to succeed ahead of those of 'less pure' birth without putting forth much of an effort.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: If you have to be told I don't own Harry Potter, then you're obviously too stupid to be reading fanfiction.**

88888888

Ron Weasley knew it was going to be a bad day from the moment that he'd received the assignment. What was that assignment, you ask? Why, to apprehend his former best friend, Harry James Potter. The last time he'd spoken to his friend, had been when he and Hermione had split for good. Harry had quite vehemently told him that he was sick of seeing Hermione in so much emotional turmoil because of him, and that he'd broken Hermione's heart for the last time. He'd then spirited her away into the Muggle world, behind some fairly impressive wards erected at her parents' house. Runic Wards that were created by Hermione, and powered by Harry.

Ron shivered at what that meant. Anything that was created by Hermione's scarily brilliant mind, and powered by Harry's freakish magical gift was sure to be something that even the best of Curse Breakers wanted no part of.

Bill had been practically conned into testing out the wards at the Granger home, and he'd returned paler than even a Veela's near transluscent skin tone. First of all, you couldn't get within 100 yards of the home without setting off an alarm that would alert all of the residents, and track your every movement within their range. The inner section surrounding the yard was even more horrible to most magicals. Crossing the ward line would see you stripped of your magic unless you were keyed in, and with the wards being Runic in design, that meant an engraved ward stone. This also meant that unless you got to the ward stone, then you couldn't safely bring them down without triggering some sort of trap, and the retaliative nature of the set they'd used meant there would be plenty. Bill had counted no less than two dozen visible traps ready for anyone attempting to crack the ward. His diagnostic spell had uncovered another dozen identifiable traps, and there were seven blank spots that his spell couldn't uncover.

A week after Bill's visit, he'd received a letter that basically amounted to him only needing to ask about the wards, even if they wouldn't give him any more details than his diagnostics told him. He didn't need to go skulking around. Unfortunately, there were some people who were still out to get Harry and by extension Hermione, and so had hired Ward Breakers to launch an attack. Those foolish attackers learned that Hermione Granger was a lot more clever and devious than she let on. While tied into the traps, the magic stripping ward was powered by a separate ward stone. This meant that while a truly skilled ward breaker like Bill, who was really worth their shit could dismantle the wards with some difficulty, it wouldn't effect the last line of defense: what Hermione affectionately called The Squibber. A week after that unfortunate visit, well unfortunate for the attackers anyway, the Ministry had received an owl from Harry saying that the Potter and Granger families no longer wanted anything to do with Magical Britain, and to leave them be.

The new Minister had been rather confused as to why the The Boy-Who-Lived would want to leave the magical world. Ron knew he wasn't the brightest person around, but even he'd cottoned on to the fact that Harry despised his fame, and more than anything hated being thought of as The Boy-Who-Lived. Really, it was no wonder why he up and left when everyone started to praise him, and when the Wizengamot tried to make him the poster boy for the new Ministry, it was almost a matter of when Harry would make his escape, rather than a question of if he would. Kingsley had vehemently advised against the directive, and it was part of the reason he'd resigned the Minister post after warning them of what Harry's likely response would be. What made it even worse, at least in the Minister's opinion, was that they couldn't use the Muggleborn's parents as leverage. They were protected by some kind of ward that made them a virtual deadzone for magic five meters in every direction.

The aurors that had made the attempt found every spell they cast fizzled out in that zone; and boy had that rankled Dawlish and his team. It certainly didn't help that Mr. and Mrs. Granger had unknowningly taken up some kind of self defense class during their sojourn in Oz...well, let's just say Dawlish didn't take kindly to getting smacked around by a woman he had almost a foot and over three stone on.

That had been five years ago. While Harry and Hermione still sometimes kept in touch via letters to their friends, no one had seen them since. He hated to admit that he hadn't received anything from them, but he couldn't say he didn't understand. Hermione had wanted nothing to do with him, and Harry was all about Hermione at the time. Now, they'd been spotted outside of the protection of their wards, and he'd been sent as part of the team to bring Potter in for 'questioning'. Ron shook his head. He didn't know how, but his gut told him that going after Harry and Hermione now would be a very bad idea. After all, it wasn't like this was the first time they'd been outside of the wards in five years...you had to be barmy to think that. What this was, according to Neville, was the first time that the pair had been willing to be, or uncaring if they were, found by the Ministry. That, more than anything, told him this was a bad idea.

It was at this thought that Ron made a snap decision. If things went south, he was going to surrender, or at least stay out of the fight that ensued. With that bastard Dawlish leading the team...it was almost a guarantee the Auror department was going to be short several members for duty. Whether that was temporary or permanent depended on several things.

First was if Harry's temper had calmed, because if it hadn't, there'd be bodies, and condolense letters to families. Second, was if Hermione still had as much calming influence over him as she had the last time they'd been around. Third, and most important, was if Hermione stayed unharmed. While he knew Harry wasn't a vicious fighter, if Hermione or her folks got hurt, all bets were off. That meant with Dawlish leading the team, this was going to be a disaster for the corps., he just knew it. Dawlish was the type to hold grudges, and he wouldn't have any problems targeting the source of his embarassment in the Auror pen; especially after his team made sure the entire department knew how he'd gotten manhandled by Mrs. Granger.


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer:** **Could you imagine if bouncing on the balls of your feet hurt as much as bouncing on your other set?**

88888888

Hermione Weasley-Potter arrived at the home she shared with her best friend and redheaded lover, slamming the door with much more force than was necessary.

"Hey, not so loud." Harry complained. "We just got those little monsters of yours down for a nap."

A second later, a certain redhead entered. "What're you so angry about, anyway?"

Dropping a book on the table, Hermione growled. "This is why I'm so angered."

Harry had to struggle to keep himself from laughing when he saw the title of the book was 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows'. "So you finally got around to reading them, have you?"

"How can you not be more angry about this?" Hermione protested. "First, the way she portrayed us in this and the last book was abhorrent, and then that cow has the nerve to claim that she related most to the character of Hermione Granger. The nerve!"

"To be honest, it was more amusing than anything." Harry replied. "The only thing I had trouble stomaching was that whole Albus Severus thing. That anyone could believe I'd name any child of mine after a man who made my adolescence miserable, and another who was practically setting me up to die before I could walk is ludicrous."

"Oh don't get me started on those disgusting pairings!" Hermione snapped. "That Ron and I would ever date, or even think about each other in a romantic way is just...just no." Turning to the love of her life, she griped. "And you're not bothered by any of this?"

"Well, considering that aside from me having any children named after Dumbledore or Snape, it's pretty accurate." Ginny replied. "Hell, they even got the names of your children, and their overall descriptions right, just not the name of the father."

"And she did get the part about you settling down with a Weasley right, just the wrong Weasley." Harry teased. "I still can't believe Ron is the one who called you two on it, and Molly locked you in Ginny's bedroom until you shagged it out. By the way, Gin, you owe me a galleon."

"No way, she didn't make nearly as much a fuss as Lavender did after reading the last two books." The redhead protested. Harry inwardly smirked as Ginny's girlfriend chastised her about gambling, especially about something like this, and most especially against Harry.

He could still remember when they'd signed off on Romilda Vane writing those stupid books, and admitted that sometimes he wished they hadn't. While he thought the last two were her venting on his decision to remain a bachelor, while becoming Hermione and Ginny's sperm donor, before eventually marrying the two in a group ceremony, the first five were fairly accurate. He could understand why she wanted to stretch it over seven books considering Hogwarts was a seven year school, but considering that Voldemort met his end at the Ministry fifth year, she'd had to make a lot of things up for the last two years. It was very obvious that Romilda lacked Rita's flair for story telling, and he had to wonder just how entertaining it might have been if they'd been able to get Hermione to agree to let her write the sort-of biography instead.

The biggest issues with the books his extended family seemed to have was the pairings featured in the final two books. Ron, Lavender, and now Hermione were easily the most bothered by things. Hermione and Ron had always seen each other as an annoying sibling, at least by fourth year, and it had been Ron himself who'd called her on the crush she had on his sister. Lavender, who was married to Ron despite them having divorced and remarried twice, and split and gotten back together a total of four times since getting together, had been extremely offended upon seeing who had been paired with her Ronnie. She'd also been highly disgusted with the borderline airheaded way she'd been portrayed in Half Blood Prince, and even moreso everytime she was forced to see WonWon in print. If her husband hadn't been an Auror, he had no doubts she would have made good on her threat to 'curse the vile bitch to small meaty chunks' to feed Hagrid's thestrals.

Still, for Harry, life was good. Currently, he was the live in nanny of his best friend and her lover's children; though technically they lived in his home. Though that wasn't really true either, since he was their father, so technically he was a stay at home dad. Legally, Hermione was Mrs. Potter, and Ginny was Mrs. Black, and he was married to them both, and their children were his heirs to each family, but it was no secret that Hermione and Ginny were together. In actuality, Harry very rarely even shared a bed with his wives, and that was only because despite them technically preferring women, they insisted on conceiving the proper way.

As a matter of fact, he had his own girlfriend in Padma Patil. He didn't understand the laws behind it, but because Padma was sterile, no one batted an eye at the fact that he slept with her far more than his wives.

Still, Harry rather enjoyed being the stay at home dad. Though that wasn't really true either, since he was also studying for his Defense Mastery, and once his children started Hogwarts, he planned to apply for the Defense position. He still couldn't believe how much more in depth the subject was on a mastery level. There was so much information that obtaining a mastery for Defense took nearly twice as long as the next longest mastery: Runes' four year course.


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer:** **Insert rant about the gross incompetence of all the leadership of the various groups in the Harry Potter series.**

88888888

"Mr. Potter, may I have a word with you, please?" A voice behind him asked. Standing, Harry turned to see Fleur, her parents, and her little sister standing there.

"Um, sure, sir." Harry replied. "What did you need?"

"Come now, none of that sir, nonsense." The man replied. "Call me Jean-Paul."

"I'm sorry sir, but the only way I would feel comfortable addressing you so informally, would be as dad." Harry replied. "So unless I've been obliviated of what was likely your daughter's ridiculously expensive, but beautiful and well worth it, dream wedding, and a wedding night and honeymoon that I doubt I'd have forgotten otherwise, that just isn't an option."

Harry was confused when Fleur and Gabrielle both turned to their father with meaningful looks on their faces, and Mrs. Dalacour said something in French that made him chuckle.

"In that case Mr. Potter, would you be willing to marry my daughter?" Jean-Paul asked the young man standing in front of him. "I'm afraid that my wife has decided to keep you, and both Fleur and Gabrielle seem to agree."

Harry gaped at the man, before his eyes flicked over to Fleur who was now whispering furiously to her mother. "Um, not that she's not absolutely gorgeous, but I don't know Fleur well enough to marry her."

The round bellied man just laughed. Apparently there was a joke he was missing, because the woman who could only be Fleur's mother, and the adorable little girl who'd been introduced as her little sister joined him.

"I'm sorry for the confusion, but I was referring to my youngest, Gabrielle."

"Sir, no offense, but on top of the argument I used for Fleur, I can honestly say that I'm not attracted to children." This brought an especially musical giggle from the MILF; not that he'd say _that_ aloud.

"Hello Harry Potter, I am Appolline Delacour, and I've heard quite a bit about your daring rescue of my daughter. Though I must admit, I'm curious to learn how she watched you valiantly fight your way into the Mervillage, continuously fight off waves of merpeople to keep the hostages safe until their champions retrieved them, and then not only rescued your own hostage, but fended off a couple dozen more Mermen to save both her life and her virtue; all of this while she is under an enchanted sleep."

"I'm not sure myself, ma'am." Appolline smiled a smile that he knew wasn't meant to be seductive, but still was regardless. "Then again, there's a lot of things that I'm supposed to have done that I have no recollection of. According to hearsay, and a certain book series, I'm almost as epicly badass as Merlin."

"Harry, may I call you Harry?" Harry nodded. "How old do you think my daughter is?"

"I'd peg her as eight, maybe nine max."

"Gabrielle will be fifteen in six weeks." Harry's stupified expression was mirrored on every face. "Veela maturity is...well, I guess the only way to describe it is awkward. Sometime between their thirteenth and fifteenth birthday, they will sit inside a prepared runic circle, and undergo a, for lack of a better term, molting of their childhood forms. It is said that the longer a Veela retains her child like form, the more in tune with her heritage she is, and the more traits of the Veela she exhibits.(1)"

In all honesty, it was much more gruesome than that, in a medically fascinating sort of way. While not disgusting or traumatizing, it was very unpleasant, both to witness and experience. She would have gladly traded in the unnatural beauty for the chance to be spared that, and Appolline knew quite a few others who would agree with her. She didn't think Harry, nor the others eavesdropping needed to hear that part, nor about the fact that mature Veela lacked a hymen because it broke down, and left the body along with the first menstrual cycle. It was amusing how, despite being a teenager in a child's body, Veela still tended towards some childish displays until their molting; as evidenced by Gabrielle's tale of her rescue.

The silence of her explanation was broken by a rapid string of French that had Jean-Paul's eyes widening, Fleur's face turning crimson, her mother and Madam Maxime's faces taking on scandalized expressions, and several of the other Beauxbatons students, mostly the girls, giggling like Lavender and Parvati around a cute boy. Harry didn't understand what the older Veela said back either, but the tone spoke of being mildly angry.

"Do I want to know?" Harry asked, seeing Hermione's reddened face, and guessing she understood what was said.

"Well, Gabrielle just asked a very personally invasive question," She said blushing. "-Mrs. Delacour quite vehemently refused, and said that they'd be discussing where she learned such language, as well as why you don't ask questions like that in public. No, I will not translate what she said."

She didn't have to, as one of the girls from Beauxbatons had no qualms about embarrassing others. One look at her expression and demeanor, and in a years time, Harry wouild have likened her to be a combination of the worst traits of Marietta Edgecombe and Pansy Parkinson.

"Ze girl asked 'er muzzer to find out 'ow beeg your cock ees." Harry almost glared at the spiteful girl, but just barely held it in.

Never let it be said that a Gryffindor ever passed up the chance to put a haughty bitch in her place, and Angelina Johnson certainly wasn't going to do so. "Let's just say that since he reaches the age of consent this summer, if I weren't already spoken for, I think I might take full advantage of the coed showers after Quidditch practices and games next year."

"Well I'm not." Leanne piped up, teasingly. She'd been on good acquaintanceship with Harry since being introduced during a quidditch after party by Katie. "What do you say Katie, care to help me exploit the system? As I don't play, I'll need an inside woman to let me in the showers. I'll even share with you occasionally."

Gabrielle turned, stared Leanne up and down for several seconds before nodding, and letting loose a quick string of French. When eyes turned to Hermione, she knew she wasn't getting out of it. "All I'll say is that the girl obviously knows what she wants. By the way Leanne, I hope you really don't mind sharing, as she expects you to thoroughly train him to be able to handle at least two women at once."

Both Leanne, who had been teasing Harry, and Katie blushed.

"Am I the only one who finds it odd that the professors are just standing there watching this?" Neville asked.

"Didn't you know, Nev," Harry asked teasing his dormmate. "-in level of importance, the daily soap opera that is my disaster filled life takes precedent over everything else. And yes, Professor Snape, I'm well aware that my ego has just grown to almost half as big as Malfoy's now."

"How can you be so calm about this?" Harry didn't recognize the voice, but then again, he barely even knew the others in his own year.

"Honestly, after the Dursleys, a troll, a cerberus, a possessed teacher, spiders the size of autos," Ron shuddered in remembrance. "-a basilisk, dementors, this tournament, and Voldemort, if I panicked every time something monumentally odd and life changing happened to me, I'd be wound tighter than Professor McGonagall's bun."

"That's actually a very accurate and frighteningly true statement." Hermione admitted.

888

1\. Full blood Veela automatically transform between 15-16, while mixed bloods go from 13-15. Appolline and Fleur were around fourteen, and Gabrielle will go a few weeks after turning fifteen.


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer:** **An example of why you'll never win an argument with logic in the Wizarding World.**

 **Veela Bond Parody**

 **Summary** : The Delacours are trying to trick Harry into bonding with Gabrielle, but he isn't going for it.

88888888

"So, what kind of consequences are we looking at should I decline?" Harry asked.

"Well, Gabrielle will be very disappointed that her savior doesn't want to claim her." Monsieur Delacour answered.

"That's it?" Harry asked. "No life or death thing, she won't go insane, lose her magic, or anything like that from being rejected?"

"Not that I'm aware of." Madam Delacour answered.

"Then I'd have to say no."

"But you saved her life." Madam Delacour shot back. "Veela custom demands that when a genuine, pure hearted life debt is formed, you bond her to yourself, and become her benevolent master/lover, and she becomes your devoted plaything that you'll be too kindhearted to treat as anything but a lover/girlfriend/wife whom you eventually marry."

She also left out that those traditions were how most of these scenarios played out in Veela bond erotic fiction written by Veela, but that was neither here nor there.

"You know she wasn't in any real danger, right." Harry said, deciding to ignore the part about Veela custom. "So there was no saving of anyone's life, no life debt, and no reason that I should have to _bond_ her to me."

"Ah, Monsieur Potter, that is where you are wrong." Mrs. Delacour said. "You see, Veela are creatures of fire, and for Gabrielle to be held underwater for so long she was in great danger."

Harry's bullshit detector was going full tilt, but the fact that he knew very little of Veela meant it was only an instinctual thing.

Had he been more informed, he'd know that the fact that Gabrielle and Fleur were both quarter-Veela, meant that they couldn't transform. Since they couldn't transform, their physiology was never in any danger aside from the almost negligent weakening of Fleur's magic when trying to cast underwater. This was more a result of her panic and worry over her sister and the egg's clue, than a Veela being effected by water.

And that's before you factor in the enchantments the hostages were under, which he did know about. Hermione had gone on for almost an hour about the different protections, and he sincerely doubted the Delacours would have allowed their daughter to participate if she were really in that much danger. Still, Harry doubted that the couple would let it go, and probably would come up with something else to justify their reasoning. Therefore, Harry decided to use his most glaring argument.

"Even if that was true, she's only eight, ma'am." Harry said, blandly. "And while yes, I find Gabrielle to be quite cute, it's the adorable little kid cute, not the potential girlfriend, I-want-to-do-her cute that you and Fleur have going for you."

"I assure you that by the time you have to consummate the bond, her form will not be that of a little girl." Apolline Delacour said. "She will undergo an accelerated maturity, and attain a form that is more pleasing to you. Her mind will also mature so that she is better adept at accepting and understanding the bond, and her new...duties...towards her master/lover."

"Yeah, that's great and all," Harry said. "-but that doesn't change anything. Even if she is older mentally and physically, that doesn't change the fact that she's still a child. She's only been alive for eight years, and the fact that I saw her when her appearance matched her age means that I won't be able to just accept what I'm seeing. Maybe if you'd not have confirmed that she was eight, you could have bullshitted me into it, but you did, so you can't."

"What if we throw in Fleur?" Monsieur Delacour asked suddenly.

"Papa!" The young woman protested.

"Hush, we're trying to get your sister bonded." Apolline adminished her elder daughter. "Unlike you, she is naive and trusting, and could find herself in a most horrible situation with an abusive bondmate or lover."

"Maman!" Fleur found her protests waved off.

"Besides, didn't your granmere's vision say that should you share a bonded with your sister, he would treat you well, that he would be hung like a stallion, and capable of sexually dominating your Veela side with ease." Fleur was brought up short by that reminder.

"Oh, right," Fleur said, blushing. "-forget I said anything."

"Look, I won't lie and say that I'm not very attracted to Fleur, but Gabrielle is eight."

"What if I add myself to...sweeten the deal?" Apolline asked, seductively.

"Dear?" Monsieur Delacour asked.

"Really, love, you must know why I suggested this." Apolline said. "Our marriage was one of convenience, and while I do love you, and you I, our love has always been platonic, that of best friends. Besides, your mistress is a far better match for you than I, and you both love each other far more. There is also the fact that you both are still young enough that she could provide you with that heir you've always wanted."

Monsieur Delacour could not deny this. He and Appolline had been best friends since they were first years at Beauxbatons, and his marriage to her was to protect her from an unsavory aristocrat that had been paying her far more attention than she was comfortable with, at a time when Veela weren't protected against aggressive, unwanted suitors of noble birth. Even after almost twenty years of marriage, and two beautiful children, they were no closer to a true romantic relationship than they'd been as youngsters; despite having a very healthy, active, and happy sexlife. There was also the fact that due to her being a half-Veela, her heritage was stronger than her human side, making conceiving boys, and carrying them to term, extremely difficult.

"Hmm, yes, you're right, my dear." Monsieur Delacour said. "So how about it Harry? Gabrielle, Fleur, and Appolline as bonded lovers. Three women of Veela descent, that's quite a deal." Harry paused in answering.

He could easily say no, but he had to think if he really wanted to. First of all, as a red blooded male, having three Veela lovers was, from a completely shallow point of view, well great didn't even begin to describe it. Even if he doubted he could satisfy all three, turning that down, even if Gabrielle _was_ eight, would make people question his sexuality, and many other things. Second, each of the last few rejections of the bond with Gabrielle had resulted in another woman, so far of Veela descent, being added to the deal.

Harry knew that eventually he would give in. One of the things he couldn't stand was constantly being nagged, which was why he'd often let Ron talk him into slacking off, and why he was thankful Hermione constantly got on them both about their schoolwork, and hoped that she never fully curbed that habit. At some point he'd agree, and there was no telling how many more women, people, things, etc. would be added to sweeten the deal before he cracked. The man had already given him both of his daughters, and even his wife; Harry didn't want to even know what he'd offer next. The smart choice would be to just agree, and get it over with. However, before he could do so, Mr. Delacour continued.

"I've also heard about your rather poor home life, Mr. Potter." He said, quickly gaining Harry's attention. "By accepting the bonds, you would be effectively marrying these lovely ladies, and so be joining our family. As two of them are my daughters, I would be required to house you and all three of your bonded until such time as you reach your majority, and gain control of your own family inheritance. Even if I weren't, I'd be more than happy to invite you to live with us."

"Are you telling me that accepting these bonds would get me away from the Dursleys for good?" Delacour nodded. Bastard should have started with that. "Fine, but I'm not touching Gabrielle until she's linearly several years older, not even if she suddenly becomes a clone of Fleur in the next week."

"Very well, we shall perform all non-sexual aspects of the bonding in a week's time, and the rest you can do at your leisure." Mr. Delacour said, standing. "Now, Gabrielle and I will leave you so that we can prepare things, while you get better acquainted with your other two future bonded."

Turning back to Fleur and her mother, Harry blushed like a Weasley at the predatory looks on the two women's faces. For a moment Harry wondered whether two adult women doing naughty things to a fourteen year old boy was legal. There had to be some kind of statutory laws, even in the backwards magical community. However, given the distracting things that the two Dalacour women were doing to him with their hands and mouths, he quickly stopped caring. Much to the two women's delight, they would find that the vision that Appolline's mother had had about Harry's penis size was spot on. Which considering his tender age of fourteen meant that he and it still had some growing to do, and they were in for some deliciously sore nights by the time he finished.

Harry didn't know it, but their actually were, but that there was a terribly double standard involved. The most strict laws pertained to older men praying on young women. As for young men with an older woman, the idea was that most young lads wouldn't protest, so older women weren't automatically prosecuted. If the boy accused them of statutory assault, then they would be prosecuted the same as if the genders were reversed.

The only time that it was taken more seriously were in the case of pureblood heirs, and usually it was the family that made the fuss. As Harry was the last Potter, unless Harry made the accusation, nothing would be done.

888

As Monsieur Delacour led his youngest daughter away from the room, he took in the pouting countenance of his daughter.

"What troubles you my little one?"

"How come Fleur and mama get to please our master, but I am not allowed?"

"That is your master's will, cherie." He explained. "No matter that your heritage will physically correct any shortcomings, to Mr. Potter, you are still a child."

"It is not fair."

"Think of it this way." He tried. "Fleur and mama are getting him ready, teaching him how to properly make love, so that when you're ready he will be much more skilled for you." The calculating smile that appeared on his baby girl's face told the man one thing: Harry Potter was going to be raped by Gabrielle as soon as she was old enough not to be turned away.

"Thank you, papa." She said, a wide, exuberantly happy smile on her face.

While he'd miss Appolline's natural talent in bed, he certainly didn't envy Harry Potter. Veela were nigh on insatiable, and he was somewhat thankful to be rid of the responsibility of satisfying his best friend. With three seeking his time and attention...no, he certainly didn't envy Harry Potter, and he was going to be happy with his normal witch Mistress.


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer:** **Plot armor. Even when you're actively trying to lose, you still win.**

88888888

In order to protest beng forced to attend, Harry decided to take finding a date to the Yule Ball in a different direction. The first thing he did was ask Dumbledore to ask each member of the staff what they honestly thought of him, and to write down what they said the next time he held a staff meeting. Curious as to why Harry requested he do so, Harry mentioned that he was just curious. While most of the teachers declined, citing that they didn't know him well enough beyond classes to give an accurate opinion, a few of them did give an opinion. When he received the notes, and he even admitted to being shocked that Dumbledore and the staff went along with it, Harry put the next phase of his plan into motion.

The next evening at dinner, after he'd finished his meal, Harry stood on top of one of the benches at the Gryffindor Table in the Great Hall.

"Excuse me, if I can have everyone's attention." Harry called out, gaining the attention of everyone in the hall. "It has come to my attention that regardless of the fact that I wish to attend the Yule Ball about as much as I wanted to participate in this tournament, much like my participation in the latter, I don't have much of a choice in the matter.

It was also brought to my attention that as a Champion, I have to not only have a date, but participate in the opening dance, and pretend that I'm enjoying myself the entire night. As such, instead of going about this the traditional way, I've decided to protest by doing something ridiculously obscene and unnecessary just because I know it'll annoy certain people. I felt I should warn you to keep in mind that I'm a terrible dancer, and you'll likely need to wear steeltoed boots that clash horribly with your dress robes. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone, you know."

Hermione could be seen shaking her head into her hands, while his dorm mates were trying to hold in their laughter.

"Now then, anyone who would be willing to attend the ball with an attention seeking, glory hound, whose as arrogant and spoiled as his lowlife father," Harry paused. "-wow, thanks for the glowing endorsement professor. Well, anyone interested in that guy, see Professor Snape. If you would prefer an annoyingly mischievous young man, who could be near the top of his year if he'd put half as much effort into his studies as he did into getting into trouble," Again Harry paused. "-hmm, that might bear some looking into, although it should be noted that trouble usually finds me, not the other way around. Anyway, see Professor McGonagall for that guy. See Madam Pomphrey if you're interested in going with an accident prone, danger magnet, who can't seem to avoid mischief even if he tried. Well, I can't really argue with that."

By this time, snickers in the hall could be heard, and they were swiftly growing into full blown laughter. The twins were about two steps away from bowing to Harry for such a marvelous prank. Dumbledore's eyes were blinding in his mirth, Crouch was turning a shade of puce that would make his uncle jealous, and the aforementioned professors were displaying various amusing reactions.

"See Moody to attend with the biggest set of brass balls he's ever...seen. ...Yeah, I think I'll just skip that one. There are so many ways for that to be taken badly, especially considering that eye can probably see under clothes. Anyway, see Professor Trelawny for a poor lad whose likely not going to see the end of the year. On a side note, she also recommends that either my date, or some charitable witch have intercourse with me by the start of the third task, as that will be the last chance I have. Huh. I was expecting the morbid prediction, but I did not see that last part coming at all. Guess my inner eye is just as bad as my normal ones without my glasses."

A snort of laughter came from somewhere indistinguishable.

"Well, there you have it." Harry said, just above the laughing in the hall. "Interested parties should see the corresponding professors. I await any replies, but won't hold my breath, especially for replies of the positive nature. Thank you for your time."

Harry sat back down, and began snacking on a piece of ham. That was all the fourth year boys could take, and they burst out laughing, as did Fred and George. The hall soon followed into riotous chaos, mostly at Trelawny's declaration, and laughter consumed a majority of the attendees.

"Masterful prank Harry-" George started.

"-truly inspired." Fred responded.

"Well, I've always been in the spotlight for something, this tournament and its pony shows are no exception, and it's usually at my expense." Harry said. "So I figured why not get a bit of fun out of the situation, and take control of things for once? Besides, everyone got a good laugh out of it, and I got one over on Snape."

"Harry, you realize with that attitude that no one is going to want to go with you." Hermione said, once he'd finished talking. After the brunette's statement, Harry could see more people paying attention to how he answered.

"That was kind of the point." Harry said. "I actually don't wanna go, so I don't really care if anyone responds. I'd honestly be shocked if anyone did."

"What if someone does?" Hermione said. "You can't expect everyone to be turned away by your blase` attitude, and I bet someone might be curious enough to call your bluff." Leave it to her to plan for eventualities.

" _If_ by some freak accident of nature, someone actually does express interest in going with me, then I'll put aside my aversion to attending, and be the best date I can possibly be. But that's all hypothetical, right Hermione?"

"More than likely." She grumbled.

"Besides, the tournament contract says that I had to have a partner to dance the first dance with. They didn't specify anything beyond that. I figure I'll take Winky to mess with Crouch, or ask Myrtle...I think she might still fancy me enough to accept. If not, I'll come alone, hopefully find someone to dance with me that one time, then bail when no one's looking."

"What am I going to do with you, Harry Potter?" Harry shrugged.

"You could always marry me, and save me the trouble of dating." Harry replied, to which Hermione rolled her eyes. "Doesn't hurt to ask. You want to know what the best part is, though? I asked Dumbledore to ask and record the honest opinions of the Professors, so that's honestly what they thought."

"Wow, can't believe Trelawny thinks you should get laid." Seamus said.

"I know." Harry said. "And to think that I was starting to not like her for predicting my death every class. Still, considering I'm going to die on the 24 of June, I guess she felt it prudent to mention." Harry grinned. "Though if she's right, after today, I'm likely to be the only famous person to never get laid before he dies."

"I don't know, Harry." Dean said. "I'm betting that if Trelawney's prediction were to make Witch Weekly, the school would be swarmed by women and girls wanting to bed you, and ensure the Boy-Who-Lived doesn't die a virgin."

"The sad thing is, he's probably right." Hermione grumbled. "Though I will admit it might be amusing to see who would actually step up to your rather sad attempt at finding a date."

888888

To the group's utter shock, there were actually several potential dates from all the houses that sought out the teachers. There was even a group of Beauxbatons girls that sought McGonagall and Pomphrey having mistook Harry's being a danger magnet for being a bad boy which they thought was pretty sexy.

The most surprising of all the potentials was Tracey Davis, who approached Snape. She'd been highly amused with the way he went about it, and had decided to put herself in the running. When questioned by a furious Snape, as well as several of her housemates why she was going on a date with Potter, she gave them all the same answer. Even if he was an attention seeking, glory hound, whose as arrogant and spoiled as his lowlife father, what difference would it be to dating any of the boys in her own house?

When Harry chose her to be his date, he admitted it was a blatant shot at Snape. To his shock, Tracey even found that to be amusing, and even more shocking was that he had a good time with her.

Meeting her in the Entrace Hall outside the ball's location, his opening salvo of knowing he should have refused to attend unless he was allowed to take one of the teachers rather than leave things to chance, made his date laugh. That she responded to his tease by telling him he should have, and that it's something she would have paid to see, broke the ice nicely.


End file.
